Sitting here in the hospital, I now have some time to get back on the computer.  It’s been a busy time with testing in preparation and treatments.  I haven’t been able to get to church for communion since Sunday, and now this Wednesday.  I am going to ask if anybody can bring the communion.  I miss that.  Now that I have my computer setup, maybe I can get to the EWTN as well.  He

Generally I have been able to stay fairly close to Jesus through my prayer life and through my business to church on a daily basis.  However, with all the turmoil and visits to me in the hospital, I cannot keep the same perspectives.  Jesus, I’ve been able to live a somewhat hermit-like life over the past few years.  I have enjoyed that luxury.  Please teach me how to see you in the bustle of good people that are helping me with my healthcare and in a wonderful family that has been very solicitous.  There is still the sense of shock and did not help – could I really be dying?  With so many people praying for miracles, and Nikko has been very good about getting the word out to many people, it seems like I might be getting better.  Even though I had this trial with the virus, I do not feel particularly sicky yet; I am not getting the flu-like symptoms that they said might happen.  I don’t know if that is good or bad from a recovery perspective.  I am continuing to read the book by Fulton sheen, “Life of Christ “ and it is helping me a lot to understand Jesus and his times much better.  Keane shows how Jesus was the fulfillment of old prophecies, but he constantly points to his pre figuring of the crucifixion in all of this works and interactions.  Jesus, He seemed to be so port crane and they know I have opportunities now to offer solace to others through the prayers increases that it might be able to acquire.  However, I still feel very much In control of my life – although the goals that I have are shifting tremendously.  I am thinking much less of returning to work at college, but I am not thinking of having less ability to communicate and interact.  Please guide me to what you want me to do with my time and talents given what ever time I have left. 

Jesus, today I go to meet the medical profession - heading for a week in NYC and Sloan.   I had a great weekend with family (Tanya, Bryan & Susan, Darren) and talked to others (Niko and Tasha).  It is good to feel so cared for and even spoiled. 

I awoke during the night and lay there, thinking about my life being fore-shortened.  Thinking about how I got mesothelioma is getting me pondering too much about money and about "fairness."  It seems I may have been cheated out of years of my life - and, I hate having to lose Darren for 20 years.  And, I fear what lies ahead. 

I know you will be with me Lord, but I have seen how poorly I react to pain, and those have been small pains compared to where I am going.  I can be calm when I am feeling good.  What will I o when I am really suffering?

Father Erasto would like the education materials.   I still wonder if it is my will or God's will but I am now asking the Blessed Mother for more help on discernment so I hope to do what you want.   Not knowing how much time I have left certainly makes it hard to figure on what to do.  But I am still in the privileged space of finance and healthcare so guide me Lord and Mother.   

Thank you Lord Jesus for your Church.  This "bride of Christ" is saving my life now and will hopefully save the lives of many others in the future – more importantly than their lives, save their souls.  Yesterday might visit to Father Torres was most peaceful and fruitful.  In addition to having a general confession, I was able to receive the Sacrament of the Sick.  God only knows whether this will heal more than my soul, but it is only the soul that it is really important.  I'm so grateful for the Faith that my parents instilled in me and that the Church has preserved it for thousands of years.  At times my emotions are high or low, but my trust in Jesus is there.  Right now I'm still feeling reasonably healthy.  Jesus please be with me as health wanes and fear begins to abound.  However, I am still so grateful for the loving family and friends that are surrounding me now, and the wonderful Health Care environment that we have in the United States.  Seeing that I am among the truly privileged, just makes me more grateful for the life I have had and the relative peace with which I can be considering my own death.

Jesus, today I meet you through Father Torres in Whitehall.  Help me to make the general confession that I need to and please help me make it a holy and honest one.  I can see all the conflicts of humans and the many levels on which we operate.  Wanting to get the respect and good will of Father.  And at the same time knowing I need to be totally honest about things I wish I had never done.  Help me to make a sacramental confession And get ready for next week’s operations.  I want to also get the Sacrament of the Sick since I will be going under general anesthesia next week as well. 

I also need advice on where to put my time.  I do want to continue with the science and technology work, but is that what you want Jesus?  And maybe Father can give me some perspective on this since he comes from the world of academia himself. 

I was able to see Dan and Regina and Joseph yesterday.  It is a joy to see this happy little boy and to watch him grow.  Will you let me see him from the other side Jesus?  I know you let me pray for my family from the other side.  But will you let me see them grow?  I remember when Jimmy died, walking around the house in Glenmont and inviting him to look at what was going on in the house.  I had no idea whether I was acting insanely or whether that was something to me could really see.  I still don’t know – and I don’t think anyone can tell me even in the Church – how the dead see as on the living side of the grave.  I can imagine that you would have them stop caring about people that they’ve loved.  But how much do they know and remember when they are on the other side.  Danny reminds me that I don’t have to think that I will go to purgatory if I get things right to bring these last days.  But I’m not sure how you do that Jesus.  Darren said something about my being a holy woman and not worrying about the next life at this point.  It made since sense when he said it, but now I am not sure what that meant.  I’m very conflicted about whether to be working on things in this world or just praying and meditating.  I hope that Father Torres can give me some perspective on this. 

Father Erasto will be coming over in the midday and I want to get a perspective from him as to whether any of work that I’m doing could be of use to his mission in Africa.  I ask you Jesus to guide me on your path at this point, particularly as to what you want to do with what is left of my time.  There’s always the hope of the possibility that the work at Sloan Kettering may lead to a cure.  But the odds are very remote.  And honestly there is a part of me that does not want to be cured.  I don’t know what else I can do in this world to help my family or myself or others.  But I do know that when you are on the other side, Jesus, I will be able to pray for others and maybe work with you on the your Salvation of the world.  I feel I failed quite a lot with my family and with my teaching.  Maybe you will show me better ways to do what I tried to do in this earth could I look forward to seeing you sacramentally Jesus in several hours. 

As I reviewed this speech dictation, I realize that it’s still all about me what I can do in this world.  It is not about meeting you Jesus.  I don’t know how to do that.  How and what prepared to see goodness, love, the creator of the universe.  All I can think about is me and what I want to do in this world.  Jesus, I see it don’t know how to envision your goodness.  Teach me, please.  I’m always thinking about how the world will perceive me. 

Good morning, Jesus.  Thank you for starting this day with me without the pain in my back.  I am learning how pain cripples you and takes away your ability to move beyond yourself.  I could see all of my thoughts and hopes for the end of my life were fading into a miasma of inability and suffering.  And I knew that the pain was only at the beginning.  However, today I am feeling less pain in my pack and am hopeful that I can have a productive day.  I guess it is up to you, Jesus, what you consider to be productive.   I have from long had my plans, and I don’t know what has really come of them.  Yesterday, I talk to Meg at work and it was very uplifting to hear that some of my ideas and finally moving forward.  It made me wish and hope that I could be around in the fall and be productive and see some of the virtual reality work move towards the nursing program.  But I don’t know if that’s what you have in the cards for me, dear Lord.  It seems I will have to continue on my master document that can serve as a legacy that can pull together the different courses I’ve created to date.    

I will be seeing Father Torres on Friday in having a general confession.  I also hope to bring him in as a spiritual director and adviser.  He has had experience in higher education in the understand some of the work that I am doing at least on a conceptual level.  I don’t know when I am being in your Good graces Lord or am I am being self-centered and egotistical.  I’m hoping that Father Torres can give me some direction about this. 

I’m continuing to read the “Life of Christ” by Fulton Sheen and it is giving me many more insights into the way you walk this earth dear lord.  And this may sound a little silly and trivial, but after having the back pains yesterday and for several days before, I am more concerned about keeping my body moving and limber and I’m wondering, dear lord, if you can help me think of exercises in movements that can also be prayers.  If I have to be doing these stretches and movements of my body, can they be a way to get grace for myself and for others in the world?  Tasha is a very good one at giving me information that she learns from other people who have published about their own suffering.  Part of me wants to be one of those high accomplishment people that offer solutions for others to learn from.  However, I know that is my ego speaking and that I really need to understand what you want me to be able to do with what’s left of my time on earth.

I got a very nice bathrobe from Glynnis and I sent her a thank you note.  In that I did reference death and the Hail Mary’s that I’ve offered over the many years.  I want to enable them to be able to talk about death and to think about where they’re going in their own future.  However, again, I wonder if it is my ego speaking and not you Dear Jesus.  Please guide me through these times.  Help me to use them well for my own salvation and for those of others.  I’m so enmeshed in this world that I cannot see and understand where you really want me to go.  But give me your grace so that I can find a good use of whatever time is left for me.  I know that many are praying for miracles and healings for me.  Sometimes I want that, and other times I just want to move on and leave whatever legacy I have at this point in my life.  I think I am concerned about becoming like my mother or Darren’s parents have lived so long that they’ve become a burden to others.  There is a part of me that wants to leave this life at least fully cognizant.  But again I know that is my ego speaking, dear Jesus, so please give me the grace that I will do what you want with whatever time I have on this earth be it one year or 40. 

Ash Wednesday.  I will certainly understand (sort of) the reminder of our end symbolized by our ashes.   It is great now to be able to talk about death and the next life; it is most comforting.  Jesus, I don't know what it will be like to see you on the other side soon, but I am glad I can talk about it now.  More so with Tasha, and to some degree to Darren.   And, Danny too.   Maybe I can start talking about it to Niko and Tanya too.   I have a wonderful family that is closing in on me in a most comforting way; they are really making me feel less of a burden.   So far I am up and ambulatory, for the most part.   But I am not doing all that I use to do; I am actually enjoying being able to confine myself.  Yesterday, I couldn't get to church because of bad pains, but today seems better.   A good day to be reminded. 

Lord, I know you are giving me what I need.  Make it not be all about me, but about ways I can help my family and the world.

I was at Sloan yesterday and this morning I woke to sharp pains in my back.   Dear Jesus, I know this is of your will but I responded so badly with self pity, agony, and fear.   All of my planning was lost -- I realize that I keep thinking of myself as well, when I plan ahead.   The doctor said I should be OK to return to work in the fall, but there are still many unknowns about treatments and the ultimate prognosis.   I could feel sorrow for all the times I was not empathetic to others in pain; somehow I haven't understood or appreciated pain -- it really hasn't been my experience.

I know a lot more pain lies ahead, and I could see that I whined and cried.  I know Jesus that you are tailoring my Cross to me.  You are teaching me what I need so that I can be with you more fully in the next life.   I could see my plans melting to the ground.   I could see how I want to do right by all my children and my family, but there is conflict in that too.   Guide me along the path.   I could see that be full bodied and mentally able may not be in the future for me - or not for as long as I would like.   Jesus, please give me the directions that I need.

And, thank you for all the kind and wonderful people in my life and my family.   I feel very connected and very fortunate.   (And, thank the HealthCare professions too.)