I am trying to sense where I stand with you, Jesus, and what you want me to do.  I am almost finished with the science and technology work and I have two months before my sabbatical is over.  On Monday I go to Sloan to see where I stand with the cancer.  I keep on thinking that you want a catholic media enterprise, the world needs it badly and today we lost the Supreme Court decision on marriage.  You know how much this will hurt your children Jesus.  But is that which you want me to do?  Part of me wants to write my memoirs and another part of me wants to write something about the situation in the world in general so that Darren can make good Entertainment Media from this.  I am feeling well and thank you for that lord.  It was good to see Teresa and Tommy and their family's visit tonight for lasagna.  I still feel part of the world and I think that this "dying from mesothelioma" seems to be really more of something I imagined then is something real.  I still don't know when the other shoe will drop.

I am getting close to you through my readings and through my extended visits to church.  I do feel enmeshed in a safe world of beautiful buildings, powerful sentiment, and a deeper faith.  I've realize that I am not a person of feeling and emotion.  I can not expect that you will reach me through those means.  But I am a person who can take long term steps towards long-term goals.  You helped me get a doctorate; you helped me write novels; you are helping me with the virtual reality (which is always very challenging); you will continue to help me I know.  I read St. Therese of Liseux and I see her child like the belief that you will always be with her.

Jesus, it was very good to see Tasha and her family.  She is really raising the children in the faith and they even came with me one day to daily mass.  Hopefully, she will avoid the problems that I had by not raising my older children in the faith.  I know you have forgiven me for that to the extent I can be forgiven in confession, but I will pay a constant reparation for those sins of omission and I will pray for all of my children and grandchildren to return to and live in the faith that you have given us.  I can most definitely see how this faith is helping me now as I face my own mortality.  However, for the past month I've been feeling physically much better and I received a call from my job about the fall.  I did let them know of my illness, but honestly, at this point I am feeling as though it is possible to return to work and be almost 100% of what I used to be.

But now I have a different "eye" as I look forward on my life.  Funny, all the times that we spend talking about the future – such as when I went to the airport recently, talking about how I am getting to be a better traveler.  I don't know how much more time you'll give me for traveling.  It seems our life is full of projections forward and our very language and learning is about giving us what we need for these future experiences.  And I don't know what they're going to be.  Now that I ever really did know but I thought I did – I thought I would be around at least until my late eighties.  Now it's a big question mark.

I have been able to do more reading about you Jesus and the book by the Japanese author Endo is giving me more insights into the life that you lead and the culture in which you lived.  I can't know or understand it all but I can see you moving through time and history and even geography as you work towards Jerusalem and your death for us.  I try to meditate and make You the center of my life, but this life intervenes – such as last week when we are in California – your presence seems to disappear into the background.  I also know from past experience that when the sickness takes over again, I lose my ability to pray.  Therefore, I am trying at this point to anticipate and store up the graces that I will need to get through the "hour of my death" which I know will have the greatest pain and the biggest fear in my life.  (You're well aware of my claustrophobia and fears of not breathing.)  I was reading St. Faustina last night who was well assured that those last moments she would be spending with you directly.  Please be there to help me through and to let my life be an example to those who need you, particularly to those to whom I did not bring your faith when I should have.  Bring something good from my death.  I know that from a bodily sense I will be shriveled, panting, looking lifeless and homely.  That bothers me although I know that should not be a priority.  I still wish to be attractive for my husband and I know that isn't going to be possible.  As you can see, dear Jesus, I am still very much in this world and I need your help to lift me out of it just the way St. Therese speaks of in her diaries.  Lift me out of the silly little old lady thinking that I have and align me with the thinking that you want.  I know I will have no control over the endpoint – none of us do, but I never really thought about it.  I have prayed many rosaries and hopefully will have your help as a transition on eternal life with you.  Help me to be the person that you want me to be; give me the grace please to make this happen.