It became more real yesterday, Jesus; and I am scared.  The visit to Sloan was not as optimistic (reading between the lines of the very terse doctor) and I will be re-evaluated in 2 months with possible surgery lying ahead.  The optimism of the "clinical trials" is starting to fade.

My problem is that I have been slipping back into "the world" more and more.  We just had the funeral for Darren's dad and there were so many worldly aspects that I have been away from my times of peace and growth.  But I am seeing that I am not as focused on you Lord; I have been focused on the world.   I am not sure if going to work in the fall will be an option at all.   Help me draw closer to you Lord, and while staying in the world, being focused on the things that are eternal and on the things you want me to do with my time.  Let me get back into the light of the path to you.  Walk before me Lord or let me walk by your side.  Either way.  Help me to see you.

Moving more and more back into the "real" world, as my recovery from the biopsy and viral infusion become more past history.   I feel like my-old-self to some degree, but more bewildered; where do I go from here?   I am reading St. Therese's Autobiography once more - skipping around in the book.   I envy and admire her simplicity and joy; she reports, on the pages that I have read recently, about how God works through the everyday life of the convent and how He love and forgives her.   She has a freshness and a childlike joy in everything she does.   I tend towards pondering and overthinking, such as my concern about what I should be doing now with my life.  I want Therese's clarity and seeing God in all her actions.

It seems I have to embrace my situation - for now, becoming healthier but wondering what lies beyond -- and assume that God values my life "as is."   I am supposed to be a science/tech educator, as well as a mother and wife.   I have an opportunity with HACS to assemble short courses and I need to stay devoted to that, and focused on that.   Or, so I think.   Jesus, would you please let me know when that is not pleasing to you?

We are working through the funeral arrangements for Darren's Dad.   I need to keep him and the O'Connor family in my deepest prayers.  They need to see you as their Lord and Savior. 

I am slipping into the doldrums of recovering health and taking back all the fears and worries.  The nobility of a quick exit and the sadness of my own death is slipping away as I am becoming more able to resume daily life.  I still don’t know the ultimate prognosis; in about two weeks I will return to Sloan to get a sense of my future.  But I know the mechanics of my illness are subsiding.

But dear Jesus how do I keep focused on the things of the next world?  I have concerns about my children and the closeness to them can almost bring them into a stronger relief.  I know you’re admonition about the things in this world are not simply for us when we’re dying; it is meant for us at all times.  Guide me and the path that you want me to follow, please.

My miseries and my fears are most evident.  I awoke in a sort of panic, afraid of being alone.  I still feel very well.  What will happen to my strength of character as my health deteriorates more?  The readings help, the Divine Office sets me on the right path.  On my own I am nothing.  I become a bucket of fears and anxieties.  Usually, I know where my life is going, at least I think so.  Now I don’t know.  I dreamt about getting paychecks – these long printed forms that were handed out to me in a somewhat ceremonial fashion.  At the end I got two final checks about $5000 each that closed me out of that job.  Somehow, in my dream, I was working at IBM again.  I became aware though that I no longer have a job and that I was at the end of the line.  I know I am thinking about this often in my present situation.  What will happen to my future if I don’t go back to the school?  I know that I present job is my last hope of employment.  My dream certainly seem to be about figuring out what I was to do with my life.

Thank God for your word.  Being able to orient myself with the Divine Office and with readings from the “Imitation of Christ” I am able to quell the fears that come from within me.  Seeing my own nothingness in such relief certainly is a wakeup call to mortality.  Hope is the only way that I can survive.  I believe through my faith in the world to come and in you Good Lord Jesus.  I know that you will be there for me.  How this will play out I have no understanding.  You keep that veiled from us.  But I do believe and hope that your promises will be true.  Although the world around me often laughs at my belief in you Jesus, I hope you will be there.  How you will look, how you will approach me I don’t know; but I hope you will be there.

Joanne Wagner came yesterday and was a great inspiration.  She is very practically grounded and spiritually oriented and I grew from the words that she spoke.  Thank you for putting these people in my life.  Protect my whole family please.  We all need help in different ways; I know you care about them even more than I do.  Protect them and all the children of the world – now, in the past, and in the future.  They’re all your children Lord.

As I turned back to my sabbatical efforts today, hopefully, please direct my efforts and time working within Your Will, Lord.  I am trying to find the Divine Will in my life.  I know that without it my efforts are futile and silly.  I spent many years working in teaching in ways that I think have been futile.  Guide me in ways and I can assemble what I do know and put forward to the use of you and your world.  Science and technology are my fields; help me bring them to the world in ways to serve you lord.  Thank you for being willing to forgive me and to allow me the grace of receiving communion.  I couldn’t get to church yesterday and I missed you.  I’m looking forward to seeing you to Dear Jesus in Holy Communion.

It was good to see Danny for lunch.  A chaotic time at the nursing home for my mother earlier, but I was able to get an anointing from Father L'Arche who was there.  Good to be part of a network of holy people (the Suarez's were there too). 

Danny and I talked about Living in the Divine Will - this recent Amazon-delivered book on Luisa Piccaretta was the jumping off point.   How do you know if you are in the Divine Will or your will?   Since I have been feeling better physically, I am wandering back to my old work.   There might be possibilities to work with more Catholic teachers on science and I am now very intrigued again in putting forth my science inquiry ideas.   I was reading the Breviary (not sure if I am at the right spot though - I never am sure of that), and I had an insight about Jesus and the New Jerusalem - those of us working forward in our lives to bring forth the Kingdom of God.   Can my work in science education be part of those efforts - Dear Lord, please lead and guide me there.   You know I love that type of work - but is it my will or yours? 

Dan did have a good suggestion about visiting my mother more at Teresian and visiting with more of the seniors at her location.  They are lonely and could use some time from someone who cares.   He suggested asking to say a decade of the Rosary with them.   I need to start making that a regular part of my journey.

Dad (Daniel Patrick O'Connor) is getting near death and Darren was able to get a priest to come in for the Last Rites.   Dear Lord, prepare Daniel your servant for a holy death.   We wander far in a very worldly world; help Daniel on his path to You, Lord.

Praise the Lord!!!  Yesterday I was able to complete my reading of read Dan's book on "The Crown and Completion of All Sanctity" and it was important, worthy, well conceived, and thorough in its documentation and citation.  I could see his talent and his inspiration.  As I struggled to understand the "divine will" in my own life, learning about Louisa Piccaretta and the theological implications of her work.  I think I can help him by passing along some editorial and organizational comments.  I plan to meet him to day at the nursing home and share some of those thoughts.

I also was able to connect with Dr. Sebastian Mahfood and I told him about my "terminal" situation and my desire to share my work.  He already had some ideas about science applications that could possibly work with seminarians and priests and programs that they want to develop.  I hope I can make some progress here too.  Funny, though, as I try to dictate this message I keep on having coughing spells.  I don't know if God will that be do this work the way I want to – thus it might be Eileen's well and not God's will.  I will have to see.   Honestly, I am finding more reasons to live; is it the too-human part of me that wants to do something that is "appreciated."   Jesus, please help me to see and know your will here.   Thank you, Lord.