My miseries and my fears are most evident.  I awoke in a sort of panic, afraid of being alone.  I still feel very well.  What will happen to my strength of character as my health deteriorates more?  The readings help, the Divine Office sets me on the right path.  On my own I am nothing.  I become a bucket of fears and anxieties.  Usually, I know where my life is going, at least I think so.  Now I don’t know.  I dreamt about getting paychecks – these long printed forms that were handed out to me in a somewhat ceremonial fashion.  At the end I got two final checks about $5000 each that closed me out of that job.  Somehow, in my dream, I was working at IBM again.  I became aware though that I no longer have a job and that I was at the end of the line.  I know I am thinking about this often in my present situation.  What will happen to my future if I don’t go back to the school?  I know that I present job is my last hope of employment.  My dream certainly seem to be about figuring out what I was to do with my life.

Thank God for your word.  Being able to orient myself with the Divine Office and with readings from the “Imitation of Christ” I am able to quell the fears that come from within me.  Seeing my own nothingness in such relief certainly is a wakeup call to mortality.  Hope is the only way that I can survive.  I believe through my faith in the world to come and in you Good Lord Jesus.  I know that you will be there for me.  How this will play out I have no understanding.  You keep that veiled from us.  But I do believe and hope that your promises will be true.  Although the world around me often laughs at my belief in you Jesus, I hope you will be there.  How you will look, how you will approach me I don’t know; but I hope you will be there.

Joanne Wagner came yesterday and was a great inspiration.  She is very practically grounded and spiritually oriented and I grew from the words that she spoke.  Thank you for putting these people in my life.  Protect my whole family please.  We all need help in different ways; I know you care about them even more than I do.  Protect them and all the children of the world – now, in the past, and in the future.  They’re all your children Lord.

As I turned back to my sabbatical efforts today, hopefully, please direct my efforts and time working within Your Will, Lord.  I am trying to find the Divine Will in my life.  I know that without it my efforts are futile and silly.  I spent many years working in teaching in ways that I think have been futile.  Guide me in ways and I can assemble what I do know and put forward to the use of you and your world.  Science and technology are my fields; help me bring them to the world in ways to serve you lord.  Thank you for being willing to forgive me and to allow me the grace of receiving communion.  I couldn’t get to church yesterday and I missed you.  I’m looking forward to seeing you to Dear Jesus in Holy Communion.