Dear Jesus, things may be accelerating from the disease standpoint - some fevers, some night sweating, some shortness of breath.  Up till now, most of the discomfort has been from the treatments.

Help me to know what to do with my time and how to address any fear and pain.  Reading the book on St. Teresa with her autobiography and other materials (letters, reminiscences, papal documents) has given me insights into the little way of turning all to you even when not feeling holy or in your light.  I know you are there and you have created this pathway for me, but I still feel scared and unsure.   I don't like pain; I fear pain.  But I will try my best to trust.  Please help me with the grace that I need to be in and stay in your will.  Jesus I trust in you.  Maybe I will see you sooner then I thought.   I was feeling so well for a while that I thought the disease might have been a mistake.

Help me to know you in my travels.   I am still trying to finish some courses and I talked to Meg at work and we are full speed ahead for teaching comes September.  Guide me as to what will be your will for then.

Love you.

Jesus, it has been some time since we talked.  Darren's dad died and there was much preparation, consternation, celebration, and worry with his funeral and burial.   You had granted him a full life, despite the Alzeheimer's of his last days.  Hopefully / prayerfully, the breakthrough in getting a priest to him, even though his was then in the throes of dying from a stroke and lack of feeding, you were able to break through to his heart and gain from him the repentance that you needed.  Who but you can judge someone?  Who but you understanding what the "hour of your death" really means.  In my micromanaging of the world, I could see Dad  now praying for his family from the other side.  How do you break through to the New Age group of which my mother-in-law belongs? I could see myself now at the family gatherings after the funeral worried about so much other then just the passage of a soul -- did I look OK?  (especially since Darren's first wife (from whom his marriage was legitimately annulled) came to the service) was I projecting holy vibs (they all knew that I was dying too but I tried to show faith and hope (but did I come across as pompous and silly?)  did I forever look at the photos from the funeral and look to see if / how I looked compared to the rest?  How long vanity lasts in me.  How and when will I learn to follow your light?

I am feeling considerably better -- I take 3 mile walks in the morning and much of the healing after the removal of the drainage catheter from my chest seems to have happened.  I am enjoying the time with the sabbatical and the reduction in the stress of work.   I still thing about returning to work in the fall and wonder if / how I can do that.  Please be sure to tap me hard on the head with what I am to do job wise; I have a hard time hearing your voice at time.   I did get to the healing mass at the Divine Mercy chapel and I could feel your peace.  But your voice gets hard to hear so quickly for me.  I am (at Danny's recommendation) getting more time in front of you in t your churches; but much seems to get in the way.  His (Danny's) point is that I can not go wrong if I am spending more time in our presence. That is true.

Today we go to Roxbury to get some paperwork signed.  I have more tapes from Lighthouse Catholic Media that I hope to listen to on the way.  Please help them inspire Darren and me.  I still hope that he starts the Catholic media company but I have been pushing too hard - he resists and it might be all about my will and not yours.  Please guide me there.  I am still trying to manage things from this side and the other side of the grave.   Please help me learn to see . . . and to trust. . . your way Lord.

Thank you for giving me my wonderful life and family to this point; help me with the fears that keep coming up. 

Much has happened Good Lord.  Praise to you Jesus, but I am feeling a lot better.  Since the catheter came out about a month ago I have been able to get around walking and I seem to be recovering much of my energy and strength.  I still have soreness but I am feeling almost the "New Normal. " what is troubling me though is the deposition.  I have been trying to reach the priest about having a longer confession.  This will be complicated because I don't know whether my words were justified with in the context of a legal setting or whether I was lying.  I have been waiting for over a week for confirmation of the meeting for confession.  Father got back to me right away when I emailed him for time and said that he would hear me but even after a second e-mail I am waiting to hear from him.  Jesus, please do not punish me or my family at this point.  I don't know whether I have to drop the lawsuit or whether this is OK and I do need to have your approvals from your minister the priest.

I have been able to move closer to you in other ways through my church and my devotions at home and through my walk around and praying the rosaries as I am able to start most mornings with this nicer weather by doing a 4 mile walk around my neighborhood praying the rosary as they go.  I'm still very distracted and prior but I am getting better.  I've been spending more time in church before or after mass but it is always very noisy – at least no easy for me who seems to need to have absolute quiet to be able to focus.  Actually, focusing is always difficult for me.  But I do at least tried to spend time with you Jesus.  I have been reading more of Fulton sheen's "life of Christ" and it keeps me more and more aware of who you are in the context of history and genealogy.  I've also finished most of the St. Therese of Lisieux and having more than just what a biography has been a huge boon.  There are papal documents that followed shortly after her canonization and just recently it was the 90th year since her canonization.  At the end there is a collection of her small statements to the novices and they are most enlightening.  To read Terese who is a truly unique individual and her simple and different way of seeing the challenges of life gives much hope.

I still am fearful about my health.  Generally I feel pretty well.  But I'd read what will happen and how I will fall apart at some point.  My job called me.  I have three more months before have to go back to work and one of my colleagues is leaving so I will have to pick up some new courses.  I will be letting them know soon about my own health issues.  I am putting whether I return to work into your hands.  I have fears about losing my salary.  I will never be able to get another job at my age after I and better – are at least more able to work.  So I don't want to lose the job.  But I have been enjoying not having to be under such pressure of getting to meetings and to work all the time.  Since I do work online I have the greater flexibility.  But I will be under more pressure.  I put that in your hands Jesus.  I want to be fair to my job and to the students that the school has lined up.

Please help me with all of these uncertainties.  I know you will.  I'm looking forward to taking my morning walks with rosary beads - looking forward to a walk with you and your mother.