Jesus, I am beginning to see you in my walk-around prayers.  As I have sleepless times and wake up and put my rosary beads in hands, I find I can begin to see the rosary or the divine mercy chaplet with a few more of those flashes of insights into your larger purpose.  The family matters have been strained with issues around Paul's upcoming death too.  I have not behaved as well as I should.  Too easily I crawled back into the human whining and jealousies and fears that I've always had.  You would think I have a better perspective looking at eternity with clearer lights right now.  But the human flaws keep surfacing.

Thank you for having Niko bring me to church.  I hope it is helping his soul, it certainly is helping mine.  I try spend too much time in church wondering if it is connecting with him.  However, it is nice to sit next to him and know that he has the patience and caring to bring me to church.

As I begin to see all the pain and suffering that you went through at Calvary, now that I can identify more with frustration and pain and the discomfort, I can see that you came into all those "cranky" portions of our world.  All the things that aren't working the way we expected them to work.  Even all those things that aren't working according to what we believe to be your plan.  Help me to reorient my life.  I am moving more back into some of my science education work.  I believe that's what you want it to do now – let me know if I should change my course.  Honestly, it can be a good distraction to have something to think about beyond my family issues, my health, and even my prayer life.  I hope that you understand that I wanted the moving forward with what mission you have given me on earth as part of my ministry.  I do feel the call to pray for those who are at the an hour of their death, and I bring this into any of my spiritual prior wanderings.  Thank you for the day and for my reasonably comfortable state.

Jesus, teach me to carry the Cross with you on this earth, as I journey into pain and into reconciliation (my family). Thank goodness Dan had forewarned me about the temptations that might come from the devil and his minions.  Come they did, and my response was only [partially worthy.  I was able to see the attack (my old venial sins) and bit my tongue, but the fear and past hurts haunted me and took my peace.  A phone call with Dan helped me see the way -- I deal with these sins of mine now or in Purgatory.  Know, I can co-share the cross with Jesus.  I know that He tailored this cross for me from all eternity and that is just what I need for me and for others.  Please Jesus give me the Grace to work with you as you struggled to Calvary and not simply let me be a whiner along the way.  Purge me of my sins now so  that I can have the peace you intended and so I can help others.

I continue to have my family and loved ones at the core of my prayers.  But I also feel a need to pray for those who are dying.  In my poor sleep, I am trying to keep the rosary bead around my hand.  I don't always move the beads but it serves as somewhat of a focus. 

Let me grow today in your Divine Will for me.  I don't know whether you want me to do any education writing. 

I am finding a new prayer routine, nestled within the different discomforts and pains.  And I am weaning myself off some of the narcotic pain medication; they seem to have been messing with my mind too much.  As the lethargy starts to move fades, I was able to do my midnight wandering with a rosary in hand and although I can say I didn’t do a terribly well focused rosary, it is beginning to come more within the realm of a prayer life.  Thank you holy mother church for providing us with these tools of redemption.  I can see that my use on this planet will not be in teaching or in material contributions.  Although, to the extent I can I do intend to continue to pull together my education materials.  But as I went through the dull and wasteland time period of early morning, I was asking that my prayers be dedicated to those who would be dying at that point.  My prayers seem so mediocre compared to the needs but I do offer them to you Jesus in hopes that you can use them to the betterment of my family and the world.  I still remember when Aunt Pat commented that we often see prayer as a last resort, when it should be the first resort.  That is what I can offer now, and I am not doing a particularly good job at it.

Help me to see how I can contribute to the growth of your kingdom even as I simply wander a lonely house in the early morning. 

The devil kept prodding yesterday.  Fortunately, Dan had warned me that the devil would try to get in through small, nasty things but that might not challenge my immortal soul that it would certainly rob me of my peace and keep me from getting the larger “crown in heaven.”   At first I didn’t see it.  It seemed like these were logical things that I needed to address in my usual way – sarcasm.  In a typical Eileen manner I planned my attack.  I thought about why I was so angry that Darren was now spending so much time with his family and I was feeling left out.  My old jealousies and rivalries surfaced.  The only thing I really did right during this phase was to not mouth my thinking into words.  My children also moved into pettiness and jealousy and fomenting dissension.  Apologies came later, but I felt fairly beat up during the process.  I can see the different “agendas” that different members of the family have.  However I was disappointed that jealousies still surfaced, but forgiveness was asked and gladly given.   I can see the healing power of the Lord.

I most definitely not past these worries and fears and sins.  But I can see them for what they are.  I also need to find ways to move past the pain drugs and I’m taking; I think they are clouding my mind.  Niko also  gave me a good idea of writing a journal for Darren that he can read when I am no longer on this earth.  This gives me a good focal point for my thinking; I will miss his dearly, if you miss people when you are in heaven.   I know it will be hard for him when I first leave his life – but he is growing in faith daily.   Jesus, walk closely with him please.

I learned a lesson about silence.  I’m beginning to think better now that I am further from the surgery.  The lethargy that I went into was frightening.  Help me go through confronting my own fears, jealousies, sins, and venial affects.  I hope to find ways to manage my energy level and to return to some of the science material development that I am a trying.

Finally, Jesus, I am beginning to see a way.  One that can at least work in the short run.  I have been reading Danny’s book on “The Gift of Living in the Divine Will” and I have been struggling as to what you want me to do with what is left of my time.  I have had some moderate discomfort since the visit to the hospital, and I was rolling around in bed unable to sleep.  I finally gave up trying to sleep and listened to EWTN through the computer this early morning – just before 3:00 AM.  It was a bishop from African speaking of the needs of South Sudan.  He wanted help and healthcare.  Of course, he wanted prayer and support as well.  It seems clear, at least for the moment, that I needed to return to the science education work.  I have begun assembling more of those materials and I don’t know how long I’ll have the strength or the divine interest in this effort.  But I hope to make worthy use of it for the time being anyway.  Thank you, Dear Lord for giving me some direction at least it this point.  I do not need to be lying in bed thinking about my various ills.  I need to be thinking about ways and I can contribute.   

Feeling more "normal"  - the new normal, that is.  I can't find a way to get the speech recognition working well so I am back to typing, but then I get the back aches.  I'll try typing.


God, I am waiting.   I am not sure where to go with my life now.  I am blessed with support and with lack of financial stress, but what do I pursue?   Do I try to get back to the science / computer work? Do I pray and blog and wait?  Do I learn how to find more good materials on the computer about you and your work on earth?   I have been able to get back to weekday mass with Niko driving me. I will keep trying with the basics that I can do and sue.   I was thinking about my virtual courses - mainly on pass thing them along to others.   I would like to see them taught; you know there are few that can do that now.   Please give me the strength and the direction if that is what you want now, Lord.   Also I have the materials in the basement to send to Africa; again with strength and support, I could get to that too. 


Strange being so limited by my physical reality.   I am truly being humbled, Jesus.

Having been home from a hospital for a few days, I would like to report how things are going.  I wish I could report ardent praying, however, I seem to have moved into a period of spiritual malaise.   While under the brightness of the hospital or in the darkness of my bedroom at home, I just sort of way on my back and did nothing.  I thought about praying, but it seemed to be too much effort to get the words together.  There seem to be a hospital brightness space where I was zoned into and it didn’t seem as though that of the sick of the dying should be.  I envisioned a darker space, maybe warm space.  Instead I felt exposed and so on a perpetual hospital bed but with no motivation and no interest.  The strange thing was that motivation and interest have always driven me very much in my work. 

The family came over last night, and it was the party in advance of Tanya’s birthday (Which is today).  It was nice to see Tanya and her family, but I couldn’t stay with everyone for too long.  It worked well because everyone was able to have a good time in the room together, Niko providing a lot of entertainment through old videos, and I was able to retreat into the quiet dark space on my own.  Danny came by later and I was able to talk about this malaise.  He talked to me about the need to pray and today I seem to be able to muster up energy for prayer.  Niko brought me to church and we can wait late because first we went to Saint Mary’s church which was closed.  But after the mass at Saint Clemens (of which I’d missed the first part) they have the Novena to Our Lady of Perpetual Help.  I am spending a lot of time trying to convince him of Catholicism.  Sometimes it is tiring.  But I am glad that he’s able to, and listen to the mass; he goes to communion too.  I hope that is right dear Jesus.  Thank you for giving me the gift of prayer again, dear lord.  I know that making connections with you and your “divine will” is what I need to do with what is left of my life.  I am seeing the blessings of a wonderful family.  I’m also seeing the blessings of Health Care Profession —really focusing now on what the “care” means in a whole group of people committed to helping each other through science but around a focus of caring.  Knowing that I am among the most physically privileged people in the world, that has existed, I wonder how so many provide for themselves during the hour of their death.  Please help me to continue to grow, does a strained they should be asking for or is it for acceptance and death?  What me understand what you will mean in my life. please.