Having been home from a hospital for a few days, I would like to report how things are going.  I wish I could report ardent praying, however, I seem to have moved into a period of spiritual malaise.   While under the brightness of the hospital or in the darkness of my bedroom at home, I just sort of way on my back and did nothing.  I thought about praying, but it seemed to be too much effort to get the words together.  There seem to be a hospital brightness space where I was zoned into and it didn’t seem as though that of the sick of the dying should be.  I envisioned a darker space, maybe warm space.  Instead I felt exposed and so on a perpetual hospital bed but with no motivation and no interest.  The strange thing was that motivation and interest have always driven me very much in my work. 

The family came over last night, and it was the party in advance of Tanya’s birthday (Which is today).  It was nice to see Tanya and her family, but I couldn’t stay with everyone for too long.  It worked well because everyone was able to have a good time in the room together, Niko providing a lot of entertainment through old videos, and I was able to retreat into the quiet dark space on my own.  Danny came by later and I was able to talk about this malaise.  He talked to me about the need to pray and today I seem to be able to muster up energy for prayer.  Niko brought me to church and we can wait late because first we went to Saint Mary’s church which was closed.  But after the mass at Saint Clemens (of which I’d missed the first part) they have the Novena to Our Lady of Perpetual Help.  I am spending a lot of time trying to convince him of Catholicism.  Sometimes it is tiring.  But I am glad that he’s able to, and listen to the mass; he goes to communion too.  I hope that is right dear Jesus.  Thank you for giving me the gift of prayer again, dear lord.  I know that making connections with you and your “divine will” is what I need to do with what is left of my life.  I am seeing the blessings of a wonderful family.  I’m also seeing the blessings of Health Care Profession —really focusing now on what the “care” means in a whole group of people committed to helping each other through science but around a focus of caring.  Knowing that I am among the most physically privileged people in the world, that has existed, I wonder how so many provide for themselves during the hour of their death.  Please help me to continue to grow, does a strained they should be asking for or is it for acceptance and death?  What me understand what you will mean in my life. please.