The dream became terrifying, in a very strange way.  I was experiencing a type of docudrama where I am to see how to open terrain became populated over time.  The documentary-like way the narrator was explaining the original prairie and the roads that were intersecting and then hinting towards what had happened over time when it became more of a major thoroughfare.  But it was a big "tease" which was in really telling you what was happening.  I became so distressed that I woke up very disturbed and sweating.  Suddenly, I realized it was about my life.  Grappling with a real fear and  uncertainty about the direction my life will take, and the fact that I will have no control over it, is putting me in a suffocatingly awful situation.  All I could say was: "Jesus I Trust in you. " I got up to have breakfast and; there was no use trying to go back to sleep.  Fortunately, the readings from the Breviary reinforced the fact of trusting in God even during the uncertainties of life.

I have been reading St. Theresa of Liseux, her autobiography.  She was ruminating about being sent to a mission in Hanoi, but she also indicated that she knew she was dying.  She felt that she was especially called by God to be His, because she no longer had control over her life.  Help me to see my life that way Jesus.  Right now, I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable but mostly quite well.  I am coming out of the fog of the surgeries.  I have started working on some of the MOOC courses for Holy Apostles.  Do you want me to continue developing these courses – moving into the science education area?  Arguably, that is part of the sabbatical under which I am currently being paid.  Is it the "worthy" work that you want me to do at this point to Jesus? 

Please help me to grow in my trust of you Jesus.  I'm sitting in a situation where in some ways I am being treated as a princess, but that is simply because my situation is truly so untenable as a human.  In general we seem to have to think that we know where we're going and that we can predict and plan for our future.  I'm not sure what I can predict and plan for.  I did ask Tasha to look into what will be some of the things that will happen to me at the end.  I know that I can take medications to relieve some of the pain – the Brochure from the Sloan even said it could relieve all of the pain.  But I know that is not truly possible.  How much should I look into my own future?

My dreams seem to make me realize that I have to confront a very challenging reality.  But I can't seem to handle that.  I would ask that you guide me like St. Teresa, Dear Lord.   Guide me step by step because I'm not even know what to hope for right now.  Lead me along the path with you, Lord. I know if I take the yoke with you, I will be going in the right direction.  Do I go with what I know, developing teaching materials?  Or, do you want me to move in a different direction?  Please let me know as a struggle along beside you.  And my stumbling on pebbles or are there boulders that I should be avoiding?

Help my say today and forever, Jesus I trust in you, Jesus I trust in you, Jesus I trust in you.   Amen.