Very human emotions took over and almost choked me.  A deep sadness about those I would be leaving, missing them tremendously despite the foibles and frustrations they bring into my life at this point.  And in my own ego came in too – I would soon be forgotten.  I know even from my brother jimmy who I loved and missed, life went on.  He became the picture that someone brought to family events and eventually the picture stopped coming.  He was often remembered and cited that he was not any longer part of the interactions.  I know that will happen to me.  As I went to bed I kept on crying and crying need it so I couldn't breathe properly.  Then I had the usual "panic attack" of – I can't breathe.  But this time I realize that my destiny was moving in that direction which panicked me even more.

I can reconcile all of this, to Jesus.  I get up and started praying the rosary.  The breathing came back and although I couldn't resolve the human emotions that I have been troubled with, I was able to assimilate it into the bigger picture of the world that I would be moving into.  I have no option but to trust in you Jesus.  Every human emotion leads to a dead end or pain.  It does not sound the most noble, but I have absolutely no recourse but to trust in you dear lord.   I am working on my science education materials, and they can be a wonderful, or is it awful, distraction.  I enjoyed pulling together the pieces and thinking that somebody might use the someday.  But is it what you want of me dear lord?  Now that it is quiet again in the house, I am able to start integrating prayer, exercise, and writing about the science materials.  I guess I will ask and dear lord to make it clear as they move ahead with this is really what you want me to do.  Father Erasto did write to me and wondered how I was doing.  I wrote him back about the science education work.  I still haven't heard back from him but I hope he can use my materials.

I read another article about mesothelioma and it gave me a much worse prognosis.  I have no idea how much time I have left and I don't know how to use it well.  It's a strange place to begin.  There is a comfort of thinking that the toil and travails of this life will not exist much longer.  But then I miss those that I love.  Whatever is, it is totally in your hands, Lord.  Please give me the grace, the strength, and the fortitude to do what you want me to do.  And of course the knowledge and wisdom to know what that really is.  I pray that I will be with you completely before too long dear lord.  I fear the transition in purgatory – is Danny right?  Can I possibly avoid it?  I fear the loneliness and pain of being purged of my sins that I cannot become free from in this earth.  Help me to know how to move past them.  I know that gossiping and fear are chains that hold me back now.  Help me to see the right light and move past those in this life.  Allow me to know how I can offer prayers for my family and for the world.  I think I reached a turning point last night in understanding how powerless I really am even against my very own human and frail emotions and the "reality" within which I live.  I need your grace dear Jesus.  On my own I constantly fall on my face.

Please help me, Darren, my family.  And of course help the world.  Help those who have no one and no one praying for them and no one wishing them into heaven.   Part of my ministry be to help those.  And I don't want to forget the souls in purgatory.  Aside from a catholic church I don't think anyone is remembering them.  Help them so that they may move onto their internal Glory with you Lord.  Now on to my work.