The devil kept prodding yesterday.  Fortunately, Dan had warned me that the devil would try to get in through small, nasty things but that might not challenge my immortal soul that it would certainly rob me of my peace and keep me from getting the larger “crown in heaven.”   At first I didn’t see it.  It seemed like these were logical things that I needed to address in my usual way – sarcasm.  In a typical Eileen manner I planned my attack.  I thought about why I was so angry that Darren was now spending so much time with his family and I was feeling left out.  My old jealousies and rivalries surfaced.  The only thing I really did right during this phase was to not mouth my thinking into words.  My children also moved into pettiness and jealousy and fomenting dissension.  Apologies came later, but I felt fairly beat up during the process.  I can see the different “agendas” that different members of the family have.  However I was disappointed that jealousies still surfaced, but forgiveness was asked and gladly given.   I can see the healing power of the Lord.

I most definitely not past these worries and fears and sins.  But I can see them for what they are.  I also need to find ways to move past the pain drugs and I’m taking; I think they are clouding my mind.  Niko also  gave me a good idea of writing a journal for Darren that he can read when I am no longer on this earth.  This gives me a good focal point for my thinking; I will miss his dearly, if you miss people when you are in heaven.   I know it will be hard for him when I first leave his life – but he is growing in faith daily.   Jesus, walk closely with him please.

I learned a lesson about silence.  I’m beginning to think better now that I am further from the surgery.  The lethargy that I went into was frightening.  Help me go through confronting my own fears, jealousies, sins, and venial affects.  I hope to find ways to manage my energy level and to return to some of the science material development that I am a trying.