Very human emotions took over and almost choked me.  A deep sadness about those I would be leaving, missing them tremendously despite the foibles and frustrations they bring into my life at this point.  And in my own ego came in too – I would soon be forgotten.  I know even from my brother jimmy who I loved and missed, life went on.  He became the picture that someone brought to family events and eventually the picture stopped coming.  He was often remembered and cited that he was not any longer part of the interactions.  I know that will happen to me.  As I went to bed I kept on crying and crying need it so I couldn't breathe properly.  Then I had the usual "panic attack" of – I can't breathe.  But this time I realize that my destiny was moving in that direction which panicked me even more.

I can reconcile all of this, to Jesus.  I get up and started praying the rosary.  The breathing came back and although I couldn't resolve the human emotions that I have been troubled with, I was able to assimilate it into the bigger picture of the world that I would be moving into.  I have no option but to trust in you Jesus.  Every human emotion leads to a dead end or pain.  It does not sound the most noble, but I have absolutely no recourse but to trust in you dear lord.   I am working on my science education materials, and they can be a wonderful, or is it awful, distraction.  I enjoyed pulling together the pieces and thinking that somebody might use the someday.  But is it what you want of me dear lord?  Now that it is quiet again in the house, I am able to start integrating prayer, exercise, and writing about the science materials.  I guess I will ask and dear lord to make it clear as they move ahead with this is really what you want me to do.  Father Erasto did write to me and wondered how I was doing.  I wrote him back about the science education work.  I still haven't heard back from him but I hope he can use my materials.

I read another article about mesothelioma and it gave me a much worse prognosis.  I have no idea how much time I have left and I don't know how to use it well.  It's a strange place to begin.  There is a comfort of thinking that the toil and travails of this life will not exist much longer.  But then I miss those that I love.  Whatever is, it is totally in your hands, Lord.  Please give me the grace, the strength, and the fortitude to do what you want me to do.  And of course the knowledge and wisdom to know what that really is.  I pray that I will be with you completely before too long dear lord.  I fear the transition in purgatory – is Danny right?  Can I possibly avoid it?  I fear the loneliness and pain of being purged of my sins that I cannot become free from in this earth.  Help me to know how to move past them.  I know that gossiping and fear are chains that hold me back now.  Help me to see the right light and move past those in this life.  Allow me to know how I can offer prayers for my family and for the world.  I think I reached a turning point last night in understanding how powerless I really am even against my very own human and frail emotions and the "reality" within which I live.  I need your grace dear Jesus.  On my own I constantly fall on my face.

Please help me, Darren, my family.  And of course help the world.  Help those who have no one and no one praying for them and no one wishing them into heaven.   Part of my ministry be to help those.  And I don't want to forget the souls in purgatory.  Aside from a catholic church I don't think anyone is remembering them.  Help them so that they may move onto their internal Glory with you Lord.  Now on to my work.

I have been reading more about other people with cancers.  I seem to have gotten into a situation where people know about my health concerns and have been sending the reading materials.  It is helpful in some ways; it allows me to identify my psychological journey with those of others.  I am challenge to figure out what to do with my life at this point – if it weren't for the sabbatical I would be worried a lot more about work and what I should do there.  Thank you Jesus, but I do have several more months before I really have to worry about the financial aspects.  Also, these articles and resources have made me very thankful too that I am not anxious about the medical coverage itself.  I am most blessed to be in a place where I am getting the best of care (at memorial Sloan Kettering) and where I do not have to worry about Financial Resources.  I also have the good fortune that Darren is retired at this point and is willing to take on my care very directly.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the support that I've gotten.

It does make me realize that there is some obligation to reach out to those who don't have these supports.  One of the articles was a very much into the Healthcare System and where it doesn't support people who are now uncertain as to how they will take care of their own financial situations.  You have protected me from at Lord Jesus.  I owe you and the world something in return for the blessings you have given me there.  What I haven't seen is the literature on faith-based responses to illnesses such as mine.  It may be that I am just not looking for it.  I do not want to spend what is left of my time just reading about sickness and dying.  Unless of course it is from those of the saints – such as Saint Teresa or Saint Faustina.  I will precede with what is the focus I think I am supposed to take it this point – that of my spiritual journey.

I will say that from the readings I have done in the secular world about cancer surviving the missing piece really does seem to be any sense of God or faith.  What a frightening journey this would be if I didn't have that.  I cannot say that I feel particularly ill yet.  Thus I know I am speaking from a privilege point of having an awareness of my death but not get the feeling the pain that will precede the actual end.  Thus I can speak rather glibly.  But I do know that even now when I feel frightened, I can think about how you Jesus, will share your yoke with me.  As the memorial of your passion and death approach, for my own salvation

You have given me this particular cross for my own salvation and hopefully for the salvation of others, in particular my family. 

I also did get on the e-mail from father Erasto in Tanzania, and it gives me hope to go on with the science education development.  Is that which you want me to do, Jesus?  Every time I start to do something in the short-course approach to science education, it shows one more piece that I need to do to make this work together as a teaching approach.  Again, I do not know if it is my will or your will dear Jesus.  I hope to see Dan sometime this week.  He always challenges me to think deeply about what I am doing with what is left of my time.  I hope with what is left of my time, to live in the quiet cocoon and that I seem to be in right now, to be able to read about you through the lives of the saints and the working of the church, and to be able to move forward some of my education pieces.  They don’t seem like much of a contribution, but it’s all I’ve really have to give you Jesus.

One other interesting aside, dear lord.  I know that Darren has great talents in the ability to write, act, and manage.  I wish he would work on a catholic media company.  I don’t know how to make that happen.  But it does seem that if he starts journaling about his own growth and the growth of our family during this time of health crisis, that might be the story that he needs to bring forward into a very good entertainment/teaching media.  Lord, direct me as to how to keep on sowing the seeds if this is what you want Darren to do too.  He can be very obstinate (just as I am very good at the obstinate to), but I think you have given him great talents in this area and it would be a good use of his time and talent.

Dear lord I need to go on with a journey that I have in the education world right now.  Please direct my path and let me know what can help you further the bringing of your light into the world.  I give you my science and my science education background.  Use them if it is something that you want for others as the journey to you to Jesus.

More disturbing dreams - are they from you Jesus or my "psyche."  I was glad to hear from my old lab friend, but it was sad to learn about the cancer of your twenty-something son.   I see how you have spared me from so much. 

How do I help my family?   Seeing them close up is highlighting some of the problem areas, as the dust is settling on my illness?  I know that much of the problem with the older kids comes from all my sins of omission - I was not there for them as I should have been in their youth.   How can I fix this now, Dear Lord?   Sometimes the thought of being dead gives me the consolation of being able to pray for them in a purer way, free from the defensiveness that I have today.   I fear I am becoming so enmeshed in life now that I am losing the time for prayer.  Please help me to understand where I need to be with my life, Dear Lord.

The dream became terrifying, in a very strange way.  I was experiencing a type of docudrama where I am to see how to open terrain became populated over time.  The documentary-like way the narrator was explaining the original prairie and the roads that were intersecting and then hinting towards what had happened over time when it became more of a major thoroughfare.  But it was a big "tease" which was in really telling you what was happening.  I became so distressed that I woke up very disturbed and sweating.  Suddenly, I realized it was about my life.  Grappling with a real fear and  uncertainty about the direction my life will take, and the fact that I will have no control over it, is putting me in a suffocatingly awful situation.  All I could say was: "Jesus I Trust in you. " I got up to have breakfast and; there was no use trying to go back to sleep.  Fortunately, the readings from the Breviary reinforced the fact of trusting in God even during the uncertainties of life.

I have been reading St. Theresa of Liseux, her autobiography.  She was ruminating about being sent to a mission in Hanoi, but she also indicated that she knew she was dying.  She felt that she was especially called by God to be His, because she no longer had control over her life.  Help me to see my life that way Jesus.  Right now, I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable but mostly quite well.  I am coming out of the fog of the surgeries.  I have started working on some of the MOOC courses for Holy Apostles.  Do you want me to continue developing these courses – moving into the science education area?  Arguably, that is part of the sabbatical under which I am currently being paid.  Is it the "worthy" work that you want me to do at this point to Jesus? 

Please help me to grow in my trust of you Jesus.  I'm sitting in a situation where in some ways I am being treated as a princess, but that is simply because my situation is truly so untenable as a human.  In general we seem to have to think that we know where we're going and that we can predict and plan for our future.  I'm not sure what I can predict and plan for.  I did ask Tasha to look into what will be some of the things that will happen to me at the end.  I know that I can take medications to relieve some of the pain – the Brochure from the Sloan even said it could relieve all of the pain.  But I know that is not truly possible.  How much should I look into my own future?

My dreams seem to make me realize that I have to confront a very challenging reality.  But I can't seem to handle that.  I would ask that you guide me like St. Teresa, Dear Lord.   Guide me step by step because I'm not even know what to hope for right now.  Lead me along the path with you, Lord. I know if I take the yoke with you, I will be going in the right direction.  Do I go with what I know, developing teaching materials?  Or, do you want me to move in a different direction?  Please let me know as a struggle along beside you.  And my stumbling on pebbles or are there boulders that I should be avoiding?

Help my say today and forever, Jesus I trust in you, Jesus I trust in you, Jesus I trust in you.   Amen.

Dear Lord Jesus.  My energy seems to be returning and the soreness is quieting down.  Am I really in a reprieve?  How long will it last?  And then the really big question for me on a day-to-day level – what do I do with mike time now?  I just finished working on the MOOC for holy apostles.  It is actually energizing me to feel part of the world again and hopefully making a contribution.  Dear Lord Jesus, what is your well for me now?  I have been doing that work with Tanzania and Africa.  It was only at the foundation level.  I feel drawn to working again on the science education projects.  But is that your will dear lord or is it my will?

To the extent that I return back to work and September, this science education work is very consistent with the work of my sabbatical.  It does seem the least "logical" that I do this work.  I can align it with another MOOC for holy apostles and I can align it with my work for the school, should I return.  Maybe I'll have to work on the assumption that that is what you want me to do, Lord th th; at least until you show me otherwise.  Please let me know what you want me to do! ! !

Tasha just left to return to California - it will be too quiet and lonely, but I need to return to my life and figure where it is going.   We are looking into feeding-tube issues with Darren's father too.

Strange to be looking at your own end in a clinical way - clearly I am on the mend now, even if just temporarily.   I am starting to feel better and I am typing now instead of using speech dictation.  How long will any of this last? 

Living in the day to day is somewhat easier for me now - now that I have a sabbatical and do not need to be in the daily grid of emails and students issues.  Where do you want me to go Lord?   I know I need to work up my health now - more walks, more exercises, but what about my academic work?   As life returns to less company and more normalcy, please speak loudly to me Lord Jesus.   I am very good at hearing only "my will."  Please let me know your will. 

Jesus, I am almost confused by good news -- from my doctor's visit yesterday, it seems like the experimental treatment may be "taking."   It isn't a cure, but it might extend my time before having to face surgery and chemo therapy.   THANK YOU, LORD.   Still the unknowns of time and process (how will I die?  how fast will I die?) but that is always an unknown for most of us anyway.

How do I place my energies and my time.   I am still healing from the last surgery/ biopsy but I am getting stronger.   Tasha is still visiting and the family fun will be going on for another week.  Teach me how to enjoy the day and live in the moment.   I am not sure what to do about the science education work now, but it seems that I can type better too then I could a while ago.    Guide me during their reprieve in my walk towards that grave - but I know that it is now I little longer before I see you face to face.   Teach me what you want me to do; teacher me how to be in Your Will.