Sitting here in the hospital, I now have some time to get back on the computer.  It’s been a busy time with testing in preparation and treatments.  I haven’t been able to get to church for communion since Sunday, and now this Wednesday.  I am going to ask if anybody can bring the communion.  I miss that.  Now that I have my computer setup, maybe I can get to the EWTN as well.  He

Generally I have been able to stay fairly close to Jesus through my prayer life and through my business to church on a daily basis.  However, with all the turmoil and visits to me in the hospital, I cannot keep the same perspectives.  Jesus, I’ve been able to live a somewhat hermit-like life over the past few years.  I have enjoyed that luxury.  Please teach me how to see you in the bustle of good people that are helping me with my healthcare and in a wonderful family that has been very solicitous.  There is still the sense of shock and did not help – could I really be dying?  With so many people praying for miracles, and Nikko has been very good about getting the word out to many people, it seems like I might be getting better.  Even though I had this trial with the virus, I do not feel particularly sicky yet; I am not getting the flu-like symptoms that they said might happen.  I don’t know if that is good or bad from a recovery perspective.  I am continuing to read the book by Fulton sheen, “Life of Christ “ and it is helping me a lot to understand Jesus and his times much better.  Keane shows how Jesus was the fulfillment of old prophecies, but he constantly points to his pre figuring of the crucifixion in all of this works and interactions.  Jesus, He seemed to be so port crane and they know I have opportunities now to offer solace to others through the prayers increases that it might be able to acquire.  However, I still feel very much In control of my life – although the goals that I have are shifting tremendously.  I am thinking much less of returning to work at college, but I am not thinking of having less ability to communicate and interact.  Please guide me to what you want me to do with my time and talents given what ever time I have left. 

Jesus, today I go to meet the medical profession - heading for a week in NYC and Sloan.   I had a great weekend with family (Tanya, Bryan & Susan, Darren) and talked to others (Niko and Tasha).  It is good to feel so cared for and even spoiled. 

I awoke during the night and lay there, thinking about my life being fore-shortened.  Thinking about how I got mesothelioma is getting me pondering too much about money and about "fairness."  It seems I may have been cheated out of years of my life - and, I hate having to lose Darren for 20 years.  And, I fear what lies ahead. 

I know you will be with me Lord, but I have seen how poorly I react to pain, and those have been small pains compared to where I am going.  I can be calm when I am feeling good.  What will I o when I am really suffering?

Father Erasto would like the education materials.   I still wonder if it is my will or God's will but I am now asking the Blessed Mother for more help on discernment so I hope to do what you want.   Not knowing how much time I have left certainly makes it hard to figure on what to do.  But I am still in the privileged space of finance and healthcare so guide me Lord and Mother.   

Thank you Lord Jesus for your Church.  This "bride of Christ" is saving my life now and will hopefully save the lives of many others in the future – more importantly than their lives, save their souls.  Yesterday might visit to Father Torres was most peaceful and fruitful.  In addition to having a general confession, I was able to receive the Sacrament of the Sick.  God only knows whether this will heal more than my soul, but it is only the soul that it is really important.  I'm so grateful for the Faith that my parents instilled in me and that the Church has preserved it for thousands of years.  At times my emotions are high or low, but my trust in Jesus is there.  Right now I'm still feeling reasonably healthy.  Jesus please be with me as health wanes and fear begins to abound.  However, I am still so grateful for the loving family and friends that are surrounding me now, and the wonderful Health Care environment that we have in the United States.  Seeing that I am among the truly privileged, just makes me more grateful for the life I have had and the relative peace with which I can be considering my own death.

Jesus, today I meet you through Father Torres in Whitehall.  Help me to make the general confession that I need to and please help me make it a holy and honest one.  I can see all the conflicts of humans and the many levels on which we operate.  Wanting to get the respect and good will of Father.  And at the same time knowing I need to be totally honest about things I wish I had never done.  Help me to make a sacramental confession And get ready for next week’s operations.  I want to also get the Sacrament of the Sick since I will be going under general anesthesia next week as well. 

I also need advice on where to put my time.  I do want to continue with the science and technology work, but is that what you want Jesus?  And maybe Father can give me some perspective on this since he comes from the world of academia himself. 

I was able to see Dan and Regina and Joseph yesterday.  It is a joy to see this happy little boy and to watch him grow.  Will you let me see him from the other side Jesus?  I know you let me pray for my family from the other side.  But will you let me see them grow?  I remember when Jimmy died, walking around the house in Glenmont and inviting him to look at what was going on in the house.  I had no idea whether I was acting insanely or whether that was something to me could really see.  I still don’t know – and I don’t think anyone can tell me even in the Church – how the dead see as on the living side of the grave.  I can imagine that you would have them stop caring about people that they’ve loved.  But how much do they know and remember when they are on the other side.  Danny reminds me that I don’t have to think that I will go to purgatory if I get things right to bring these last days.  But I’m not sure how you do that Jesus.  Darren said something about my being a holy woman and not worrying about the next life at this point.  It made since sense when he said it, but now I am not sure what that meant.  I’m very conflicted about whether to be working on things in this world or just praying and meditating.  I hope that Father Torres can give me some perspective on this. 

Father Erasto will be coming over in the midday and I want to get a perspective from him as to whether any of work that I’m doing could be of use to his mission in Africa.  I ask you Jesus to guide me on your path at this point, particularly as to what you want to do with what is left of my time.  There’s always the hope of the possibility that the work at Sloan Kettering may lead to a cure.  But the odds are very remote.  And honestly there is a part of me that does not want to be cured.  I don’t know what else I can do in this world to help my family or myself or others.  But I do know that when you are on the other side, Jesus, I will be able to pray for others and maybe work with you on the your Salvation of the world.  I feel I failed quite a lot with my family and with my teaching.  Maybe you will show me better ways to do what I tried to do in this earth could I look forward to seeing you sacramentally Jesus in several hours. 

As I reviewed this speech dictation, I realize that it’s still all about me what I can do in this world.  It is not about meeting you Jesus.  I don’t know how to do that.  How and what prepared to see goodness, love, the creator of the universe.  All I can think about is me and what I want to do in this world.  Jesus, I see it don’t know how to envision your goodness.  Teach me, please.  I’m always thinking about how the world will perceive me. 

Good morning, Jesus.  Thank you for starting this day with me without the pain in my back.  I am learning how pain cripples you and takes away your ability to move beyond yourself.  I could see all of my thoughts and hopes for the end of my life were fading into a miasma of inability and suffering.  And I knew that the pain was only at the beginning.  However, today I am feeling less pain in my pack and am hopeful that I can have a productive day.  I guess it is up to you, Jesus, what you consider to be productive.   I have from long had my plans, and I don’t know what has really come of them.  Yesterday, I talk to Meg at work and it was very uplifting to hear that some of my ideas and finally moving forward.  It made me wish and hope that I could be around in the fall and be productive and see some of the virtual reality work move towards the nursing program.  But I don’t know if that’s what you have in the cards for me, dear Lord.  It seems I will have to continue on my master document that can serve as a legacy that can pull together the different courses I’ve created to date.    

I will be seeing Father Torres on Friday in having a general confession.  I also hope to bring him in as a spiritual director and adviser.  He has had experience in higher education in the understand some of the work that I am doing at least on a conceptual level.  I don’t know when I am being in your Good graces Lord or am I am being self-centered and egotistical.  I’m hoping that Father Torres can give me some direction about this. 

I’m continuing to read the “Life of Christ” by Fulton Sheen and it is giving me many more insights into the way you walk this earth dear lord.  And this may sound a little silly and trivial, but after having the back pains yesterday and for several days before, I am more concerned about keeping my body moving and limber and I’m wondering, dear lord, if you can help me think of exercises in movements that can also be prayers.  If I have to be doing these stretches and movements of my body, can they be a way to get grace for myself and for others in the world?  Tasha is a very good one at giving me information that she learns from other people who have published about their own suffering.  Part of me wants to be one of those high accomplishment people that offer solutions for others to learn from.  However, I know that is my ego speaking and that I really need to understand what you want me to be able to do with what’s left of my time on earth.

I got a very nice bathrobe from Glynnis and I sent her a thank you note.  In that I did reference death and the Hail Mary’s that I’ve offered over the many years.  I want to enable them to be able to talk about death and to think about where they’re going in their own future.  However, again, I wonder if it is my ego speaking and not you Dear Jesus.  Please guide me through these times.  Help me to use them well for my own salvation and for those of others.  I’m so enmeshed in this world that I cannot see and understand where you really want me to go.  But give me your grace so that I can find a good use of whatever time is left for me.  I know that many are praying for miracles and healings for me.  Sometimes I want that, and other times I just want to move on and leave whatever legacy I have at this point in my life.  I think I am concerned about becoming like my mother or Darren’s parents have lived so long that they’ve become a burden to others.  There is a part of me that wants to leave this life at least fully cognizant.  But again I know that is my ego speaking, dear Jesus, so please give me the grace that I will do what you want with whatever time I have on this earth be it one year or 40. 

Ash Wednesday.  I will certainly understand (sort of) the reminder of our end symbolized by our ashes.   It is great now to be able to talk about death and the next life; it is most comforting.  Jesus, I don't know what it will be like to see you on the other side soon, but I am glad I can talk about it now.  More so with Tasha, and to some degree to Darren.   And, Danny too.   Maybe I can start talking about it to Niko and Tanya too.   I have a wonderful family that is closing in on me in a most comforting way; they are really making me feel less of a burden.   So far I am up and ambulatory, for the most part.   But I am not doing all that I use to do; I am actually enjoying being able to confine myself.  Yesterday, I couldn't get to church because of bad pains, but today seems better.   A good day to be reminded. 

Lord, I know you are giving me what I need.  Make it not be all about me, but about ways I can help my family and the world.

I was at Sloan yesterday and this morning I woke to sharp pains in my back.   Dear Jesus, I know this is of your will but I responded so badly with self pity, agony, and fear.   All of my planning was lost -- I realize that I keep thinking of myself as well, when I plan ahead.   The doctor said I should be OK to return to work in the fall, but there are still many unknowns about treatments and the ultimate prognosis.   I could feel sorrow for all the times I was not empathetic to others in pain; somehow I haven't understood or appreciated pain -- it really hasn't been my experience.

I know a lot more pain lies ahead, and I could see that I whined and cried.  I know Jesus that you are tailoring my Cross to me.  You are teaching me what I need so that I can be with you more fully in the next life.   I could see my plans melting to the ground.   I could see how I want to do right by all my children and my family, but there is conflict in that too.   Guide me along the path.   I could see that be full bodied and mentally able may not be in the future for me - or not for as long as I would like.   Jesus, please give me the directions that I need.

And, thank you for all the kind and wonderful people in my life and my family.   I feel very connected and very fortunate.   (And, thank the HealthCare professions too.)

The pain continues; it seems to be related to the draining of the pleural cavity.   I have been in touch with Sloan about what to do for the pain, but I think I just have to live with it until I see the doctor next week.

I can see how the pain brings you in on yourself.  I try to remember Jesus and see him as I walk through my often tawdry life and surroundings.   There is no nobility and romance in the basic environment in which I live.   The house is wonderful and serviceable but it is like Darren and I, mundane and practical.  It doesn't fit the image of someone dying nobly.   But it is what Jesus wants.   I don't know if I am dying or if I will get a reprieve.   Tasha sent me the Novena to the Holy Spirit.   I will be praying that too for the next nine days.   Holy Spirit, guide me to use my time well, whatever amount I have.  There are many more worthy and sympathetic cases out there besides mine.   I might only "die a little young for today" but not young.  I just really want to know what way to spend my time.

As I paced the house last night -- I couldn't get comfortable with the pain in my back -- I could feel again the need to create the master book on teaching, learning, science education, technology and the like; a book that would reference my own work and would reference the research too but without all the time to look up the citations and authentications.  I will see today if God wants that.   I would use speech dictation too, I think.   It seems to be a way to pull together and pass on my work - but is that me or God asking for this?   Could you let me know today Jesus and the Holy Spirit?

I am fearing the inability to drive.  I want to get to daily Mass.   Maybe I can get Darren to bring me communion?  I seem to just want to stay in my little space and lick-my-wounds.   But truly I fear being in pain and in spasms in public.  Maybe when the pain meds get worked out I can venture more broadly again.

Jesus, please direct my work through how you want me to go during my time left on this planet.

A tremendous sadness at leaving this world.  Not seeing the people I love, not seeing them growing and change, not seeing the grandchildren come to maturity – realizing that Danny’s children will never even know me.   Knowing that I can’t be a part of their lives.  Just sent an emptiness of not being part of the picture. 

And at the same time, I don’t know whether I might make it through this.  A trial at Sloan is to the purpose of extending my life.  Randy was talking also about having surgery and chemo to keep my life going for longer.  Pains I have are not that great yet, they’re more like spasms in my chest and some occasional shooting pains in my shoulder and lower back.  What will I do with pain far greater?  And the questions of being in public?  What if I have a lot of pain on in public and how do I handle that?  A lot of it is the result of m pride.  I don’t want people to see me as weakened or as a burden.  I want them to remember me more like the pictures I see in the albums.  Mary came last night and it was good to sit down with all family pictures.  Thank goodness we have the albums with the many good times with the kids when they were little.  I wish I were one of those fun type of mothers.  But I did facilitate a lot of good events and reunions and activities.    Mary’s children had so much more joy in their life; she was such a good mother and was able to be home with them and enjoy them.  You can see it in the way they still behave today.  My sisters with their big families have so much to show to the world.  They do not have fancy clothes; they did not have trips to Europe; they do not have nice furniture.  But they have love and life and happiness around them.  You don’t have to look far to see that truth of the way of the Lord incorporated into their lives .  .  .  and the results are beautiful. 

As they sit here of all of the emotions, bafflement, and sporadic pains; I try to see you Jesus.  I know you are there with us all last night as we looked at pictures; I could feel that there was such goodness in the space that we were in and I felt such safety and security.  I haven’t been able to do my sequestered readings like I sometimes do.  I need to engage more in that.  I did make an appointment with Father Torres to go for a general confession next week.  And tomorrow I go down to Sloan to get a checkup.  I want to get into my life important things that need to be done or I might have to travel independently.  Strange, they have no idea how much more time I have.  Despite having some rather sharp but very infrequent pains, I don’t feel too badly.  But being almost on sabbatical, there’s a sense of relaxation, because they don’t have all the nagging little things that come up during the workweek.  Let me use this time for you Jesus.  Somehow it still seems too mundane.  Being pain free at this point for me makes it hard for me to understand that I really don’t have much time it from me.  It’s like we mostly live every day because they don’t have an end in mind.  Funny, none of us ever really do have that perspective but we forget that we really could be stopped at any point.  I don’t think people could live if they were  constantly aware of the fact that their life could on that date. 

It’s a Sunday, and I look forward to going to your church dear Lord, but I hope not to have some crazy pain.  Getting past the point of pride how we get through the day in a way that is worthy of being a child of god.  I’m also going to be bringing Father Erasto to meet with the other ladies from Africa.  Please bless that meeting and provide connections that could help us establish the communications with Africa to help ease some of the burdens in that continent that suffers so much.  I’m sitting here as such a privileged woman approaching her seventies with all types of medications and attention and support.  I think of the people in so many parts of the world that get up with pain and suffering every day of their lives.  I don’t know how they survived I have any kind of emotional or mental stability.  This world is a great joy – I realize now that I’ve always had so many opportunities that I squandered with worry and busy-ness.  As I start losing these opportunities, Lord, let me see your light in them and let me know that you’re only giving me things to challenge me so that I can have an even greater crown in the next life.  Help me to be there for my family and for children all around the world in need of a mother.  Blessed Mother please shine in my life and help me use these days well for the betterment of my family and the world.    

We saw a very good movie last night, “The Judge.” Robert Duvall was in it and had a useful range of moral issues that were resolved in a realistic way.  In it Duval dies by the end, of a cancer that eats away at him.  I was overwhelmed with a sadness about all the people that I will be leaving and I will miss greatly.  Children, grandchildren, and most of all Darren.  I cried.  I haven’t cried much and that was about the only time so far.  I realize there’s no use worrying on what’s coming, because that will not make a difference as to what will happen eventually.  I know that Jesus you will make it all right, and that my passing will bring merit to those that I love, if I do it in Your Will, Lord.   I realize that with my father’s mother, I never really met her because she died when I was a little over year old.  I realize that with Joseph and Danny’s children, may never get to know me.  Of course, there is some hope that this therapy at Sloan might make a difference, but short of that, the prognosis for my being around beyond a few years is very dim. 

I seem to have a sort of direction on what I should be doing at this point, codifying the work that I have created over the past 20 years.  I am starting a book in that regard, using speech recognition for the bulk of the writing.  I would like there to be some larger document that will allow others to read and understand the educational philosophy too.   I don’t know if that is my will the god’s will.  I will plan today, God willing, to be able to make an appointment to have a total confession with Father Torres.   

Jesus, as I try to see you, I keep getting thrown back into the very ordinariness of my life.  I think somehow I need to see you in those everyday interactions, the phone calls to children, the ruminations about pulling together my legacy work, the living everyday with Darren, the learning how to deal with pain medications and with the fear of the pain may be cancer and the muscle spasms that I think that I am having.  My screensaver in the computer where am writing shows you the agony in the garden and accepting the chalice from your father.  Please help me to accept my chalice – to really even understand what the chalice is.  I still have much under my control of this point.  And Darren has been very wonderful about looking to the details of documentation and information about the financial and material things that I have in this life.  It is giving me a lot of freedom to pursue more of the intellectual and religious things that are going on.  He has been very thoughtful and considerate and I am trying to appreciate a person who often I can overlook because he is there and is constant and is steady.  I worry about him being alone.  I see him in the cold and darkness of our house when I will no longer be there with him at dinner.  I know that that is a romantic notion in my own head.  I have no idea if that is what is really going to happen, who predeceases who and what is in god’s plan.  I know I’m not supposed to spend my time dwelling on those type of What-ifs.  I am very aware now though that many of us will be dying without the help of others around.  If my time is as short as the statistics seem to indicate it will be, I will have had the benefit of having a loving family around me.  I fear for all those who will be lonely and scared and in pain.  I will pray for them to as I offer up any of my suffering now.  At this point, I can honestly say I’ve suffered very little.  Lord, please help those who are struggling now with their own death and you do not have the comfort of family. 

 

I awoke with a sharpness of pain in the trunk of my body.  It may have come from the way i was sleeping, however I’m still not use to pain and I felt myself wincing to avoid positions that would cause me discomfort.  I’m able to talk to Jesus more now when these things happen.  Because of the size of my family and their general prayer fullness and because of all the connections from Danny, I am well covered now with prayers support from all corners of the earth.  I still don’t see Jesus in his vaulted role in heaven, but I am beginning to see him into the smaller aspects of my life, to see him when I’m driving, see him when I have to ask why a particular thing is happening, and I am learning to see and when I’m talking on the phone to doctors and doctors’ offices and all the minor irritations that go along with being sick.  Jesus has threaded this whole world together and me and my little circumstances and calamities in my little life are part of the pathway if he’s set for me so that I can reach him someday in this fullness. 

I like to sit church and I constantly closed my eyes during the mass.  I try to get away from the distraction of looking at people, looking at the priests but that often leads the into moving often to my own daydream.  Help me Lord to know what demeanor I should have when I sit there to worship you; help me Lord that the focus is on you and not on me.  I’ve had glimpses when I understand for a split second your control over the world, your love of the world and that I am a piece of that moving love out into the world, however, these moments are glimpsing and fleeting and mostly I put it into my hands and try to control the piece of earth that you put me on but not in a lovingly way but through the lens of my own ego and selfishness.  Help me which see the world through the lens that you use and then please give me the enlightenment to know what I’m supposed to do with in this world. 

I need to finish more of my work with the college and the need to be moving forward put to work for my sabbatical.  I’m not quite sure how to proceed at this point.  It does seem that maybe you should be assembling books that codify what I know and understand and getting those together.  Let me know if that is the way I should worked dear Lord.

Quite a roller-coaster now.  And little time for privacy and reflection.  Yesterday when I was going to dermatologist came in that the diagnosis was definitely mesothelioma And that they needed to schedule me for the treatments.  At the same time, Danny had called about a mass being held in Maryland In honor of the feast today of Our Lady of Lourdes.  I was planning to go that down to that with him. However, after having some pains during the night that seem disturbing enough that they didn’t want to have that problem during the long trip (totaling about 12 hours) and not being anywhere near doctors that I could connect with , I canceled the trip.  And still using the relic of Luisa Piccarretta when I was having those pains during the night, I held it against the painfully area and was able to get some sleep.  I don’t know who was her intervention or it was the Tylenol that it took but I was thankful to God for some time to sleep.

Danny’s conversation with me was very helpful.  Again he reminded me of the need to really focus on the lord and to get that center in my mind, and then I can but the right perspective and will be of the things that I’m trying to do.  There are lots of procedural things that I’m trying to get caught up on – bank accounts, social security, health benefits.  And their lot of things at worked then I’m trying to get caught up on too – I’m trying to be mindful enough of work so that I can count these days as workdays and not as sick days.  I’m still little worried about sabbatical.  Danny reminds me that that isn’t going to be the important thing if these are my last days.

I certainly want to think of these is my last days and prepare , however I’m assuming to that I will be back at work in the fall.  If I am in an extended period before I actually died, then I would want to continue work.  So my mind is split.  Again, Danny reminds me not to worry about that at all, but I don’t seem to be able to shut it off that easily.   I do have responsibilities for my job and I want to leave as much financial assets for Darren is possible.  Jesus, I know that you love me more than anybody in this planet and that you died for me.  Help me to get the right focus and how we put together some meaningful exits.  I have been enjoying talking to my family, but is leading the little time for any work.  So I don’t have a balance for all of this.  I’m beginning to see you a little more in the practical aspects of the world around me – when I drive and I see the world that you have made, and the way we as humans have made it sometimes pretty and sometimes pretty nasty.  Right now there’s beautiful snow all over everything.  But soon that will become shopworn and dirty; people are getting tired of all the shoveling.  We have over two feet of snow; actually maybe 3 feet of snow.  It’s been a snowy winter and Darren has been out shoveling much of the time. 

I go to church and stay longer.  There’s a bit of an expectation and excitement that I am going someplace better and that I don’t need to worry about some of the things that are worried me in the past.  How much I weigh or what I look like.  Those things are not going to make too much difference and so I feel relieved when I see very old people at church and think that I really won’t have that cross to bear.  But again, I don’t know.  The prognosis is dismal but there’s always hope for miracles and new treatments.  But there’s part of me that wants to find a way to just die gracefully and join my Lord and Savior and maybe I can be a lot more effective on the other side.   And if I can get there without too much purgatory, I will be able to have more freedom to focus on helping those that remain in this planet.  I have many sins that I need to address the people who have suffered from the bad mistakes of my past life.  So if I can’t help from here, I hope to be able to help them when I’m on the other side. 

Jesus, help me to make this my journey to you and not all again about “eileen.”  It is so easy to spend your time now focusing on your pains, your worries, and your sufferings.  There’s a lot of fear and uncertainty.  There’s nothing I can look up tells me what lies ahead because this is really an unknown disease at this point.  So again I have to remember “Jesus, I trust in you.” And remember it over and over and over. 

Once again, I did not react well to pain.  After another draining by the visiting nurse, I took a nap and then struggled to get out of bed.  I had an incredibly sharp pain through the trunk of my body that lasted maybe 30 seconds to a minute but it was very intense and it scared me.  I wondered if it was the end and whether I could tolerate such pain – I did say to Jesus that I knew I wasn't behaving well.  How to decipher that tremendous pain on the cross?  I know I've often looked at the crucified Jesus through the many religious articles that I have and I know I've thought about it when I said in particular Sorrowful Mysteries or the Divine Mercy Chaplet.  I've often realize that I'm just looking at a figure that I think of as being passive and just hanging there on the cross somehow looking mournful but not in pain.  When I was going through that intense pain, I can begin to understand what Jesus gave as he tried to save those He loved.  I know from my reading of Fulton sheen, the grand history that Jesus had and how he came in time to free us from the guilt of our sins.  Suffering pain, which I have had very little of that my life, helps me to understand the gravity of my sins – which have been many, particularly in my long ago passed.  Just as it is hard for me to really internalize the tremendous suffering that Christ had on the cross, it has been hard for me to associate my indifference to sin with the reality of the dysfunction that sin brings to the soul. 

I'm grateful for the life and I hope God's good grace now in my life.  As I read the divine office, I'm thankful to be hoping that I am among the chosen that will go rejoicing to God at the end of time.  In the past it seemed I've had more to offer Jesus with courses that I thought I was creating to be of use to others.  It's really questionable how well these courses worked.  And now I stand here battered, scarred, in pain, and often embarrassed and suffering, trying to give this painful journey over to Jesus.  I will still try to help with the African project and the courses with whatever time I have left.  With the sabbatical coming up, I should be able to move this forward to some degree – and truly it is going to be up to Jesus.  Jesus,  I offer you my skills and abilities, I'm also crippled and weakened and spending lots of time and energy with doctors' visits.  I've been blessed to have time to share with my family and I've been blessed to see the goodness that is in my family that I often overlooked in my haste to accomplish things in this world.

Please give me the right balance, dear Jesus.  This journey to you is coming through a journey to fading health.  Tomorrow I may be able to go with Danny to a shrine in Maryland where they will be a special healing mass.   I would like to be healed, if I can continue to do the work of the Lord and continued to value and enjoy my family.  I know the odds are not good, although I will not know for sure until next week what the odds really are.  After I get the report at Sloan Kettering about the biopsies.  Sometimes I don’t know whether to ask for healing or whether I even really want it.  There is a part of me that it’s just weary of trying to deal with the complexities of the education field and the complexities of working in the college environment.  Sometimes I feel so much the failure there that I wouldn’t mind moving on and asking Jesus to fix what I’ve done and what I have left.  I am putting all of my work into a website then I am sharing with Darren, Tasha, and Danny, and Father Erasto.  I hope that this work could go beyond me, but I see just by putting it together the limitations of the work and the almost a possibility that anybody could ever use it – it is so complex.  But again, I’ll have to leave all of this to you Jesus.  I still think you have something you want me to communicate to the world about education and science and technology; but I don’t know whether that can ever come forward or it is even what you desire, Lord.

Help me understand you want me, Jesus.  I will continue to read more about you and try to be open to your word in my life.  Thank you for giving me these many years already and may use was left of them in your service Lord.

Pain has had little to do with my journey to this point.  I have had soreness after operations, but nothing that was particularly disquieting or that I couldn't deal with.  However, when the visiting nurse came and had to train the pleural space, I reacted very badly to the sharp pain.  All of my self complacency about how I was good a tolerating pain disappeared quickly.

How did Jesus reacted to pain and why did the accept it?  As Sheen points out, Christ purpose for coming was to forgive sin– not to make us rich, famous, content, or well satisfied with their self, but to take away the punishment that we all deserve.  From the maker of the universe who could have avoided all pain, why did he take on pain to bring us back in alignment with his will?  How can I use the pain that will lie ahead for me for my own salvation, for this salvation of my children and grandchildren, and for the salvation of the whole world?  I know that part of the way I will deal with this is by not thinking ahead.  "God's grace is sufficient for the moment. " it is not right for me to move beyond and contemplate my own small wounds.

Along with my gratitude towards my family who've been most supportive and of course for Darren who really has become so princely in helping me, I really see the need to be thankful for the church.  It has preserved the teachings of Christ in codified, supportive, sacramental ways that are there for all of us when we suddenly realize how important it is.  For all those times in my life when I was just too busy to really think about God and to really think about where the world is going; I was very involved in the world of work and of family – but work always seem to be at the top of my mind.  I had my fears about money from my severe poverty in my twenties, and I allowed status and moving ahead in a career to trump all of my other values.  I'm so thankful right now to Empire State College that I have a job and that the job provides meaning to me and hopefully to others – education is an area that I'm pleased and proud to be in.  However, I am well aware of putting too much emphasis on this in my past, and how I'm very thankful that my church and my family is there for me at this point.  I want to find ways to take was left of my time on earth to helping the church move forward and to helping my family get closer to Jesus.

I was able to work with Aidan in virtual reality yesterday.  I can hear him thinking and pulling ideas together; it really will help me with some of the work I want to do in this field.  However, it was just nice to be with my grandson and to visualize the things that he was seeing and thinking and feeling.  Again, thank you Jesus for this time with my family and for being able to reach across a continent to be with my grandchildren.  I have been most blessed.

Tasha did some research into the therapy that they're going to be applying to me.  Of course, it is quite experimental, but it looks hopeful and within my own emotions inside the I find it difficult to think about dying and then to think about being healed at the same time.  I seem to have to feel as though I am accepting one or the other.  But I know in truth I have to accept god's-will and I don't know what it is.  If I am to die soon, Jesus please help me do that with dignity and with respect and let me do it in the way to earn grace for myself and for the many others that I love – my family and Darren's family.  If I am to live, may I use my time in better ways and I have in the past.  I hope to see my family grow much closer together as a result of this experience; I can see it happening already.  Thank you Jesus as I pursue my work for today – I still owe time and attention to my Empire State College work.

The celebrations continue, although I did have to work with the visiting nurse yesterday to drain the fluid.  It actually hurt more than I expected.  Makes me a little "nervous" about what lies ahead – but it-is-what-it-is and Jesus will be with me.  I have to remember to ask for his support.

Last night we had a dinner at a restaurant for Regina for her birthday.  It was wonderful to see Tanya, Danny, Regina, and Joseph along with Darren and I.  I look to see where Jesus was at the restaurant, but I couldn't see his face but I knew that he brought us together.  That all these people and relationships and our life are designed by our almighty father and sometimes we fail to understand  that the Good Lord has put this world into existence.  None of this can happen without his will.

It snowed a lot today, and Darren is still asleep.  I'd truly fear being a burden on him; he has been very good about keeping things together and providing the support and framework that I need right now.  I've been able to focus on family and work and just being sort of lazy.  I hope I can get to church today.  We'll see how bad the snow is and if it can get cleared, it is supposed to keep getting worse for the next two days.  I'm still struggling with how much to let people know it work and they only have a few more weeks before the sabbatical starts so I just want to stay below the radar and not let people know what's going on at this point.

I hope to continue reading the "life of Christ" by Fulton sheen today getting to understand how the Lord plays into our history.  Last night I did read about the tremendous awesomeness of having God step into the world that he's created.  I can't really get my head around it, but I understand the uniqueness of human civilization and the tremendous power that God has imbued in all of our lives.  I hope to it more understanding today.

Last night's sleep was difficult; my side was hurting and sometimes I wonder if there isn't some internal swelling.  It's not that I can't live with this, I realize that only the beginning and that is what scares me.  But I also am not the first person to have suffered and arguably I have suffered very little physically in my life.  I hope to have the courage and grace handle my life and body as things comes up a head.  I was feeling sad looking at the family and knowing that I might not be part of it for much longer.  But I also do not want to be a sign of depression to everybody else.  God please help me to have the grace and peace and understanding that I need this point.

I am still enjoying the limelight of celebrity hood for being somebody who "might be dying. "  from what I hear (I'm reluctant to read more) my prognosis looks pretty dismal.  However many holy people are praying for me and Dan has given me the option of asking for a miracle through Luisa Piccarreta– so there's hope.  However there is a part of me that really wants to fade away at this point.  To leave all be remembered as a somewhat-young lady – if you can call 67 young.  But seeing what happens with advanced old age, the aspect of dying in my sixties seems a bit more romantic.

Today is Holy Saturday and I will get to the church early to say my rosary and do my 15 minute meditation.  I looked it up so I think I know what I'm supposed to do.  I'm still struggling with my many to-do lists and getting my courses ready and not knowing whether I will be around and in good shape to teach in September or whether I won't be.  I'm loving hearing from my family and friends, but it is making it hard for me to finish up the work that I need to do.  The reading from the Breviary today started with a discussion of wisdom and that's what I need – it seems to be divinely inspired.  I'm looking for Jesus, I am looking in the trivia and sign ons and websites and courses of my life.  I was looking for it last night when we are at Tommy and Roseanne's house.  I can see good people that god loves greatly; but I could see were still there are real people talking that this world and not about the world of god.  I knew that's what god wanted.  I know that god has put all these people in my life and that this is where I am to focus at this point; and the people that surround me.  I hope to have some wisdom to communicate with them.  I talked to Evelyn Tannenbaum for quite a long time and I keep on bringing her back to Jesus and his Jewish origins in some hope of making a break through.  She likes to listen to me.  But she doesn't seem to have this on her radar yet.  I'm hoping to use my approach to death as a way to communicate and evangelize, I don't know how successful I am.  I will have to trust in Jesus as I'm always reminded.

Looking forward to seeing Mary and her son today for the Holy Saturday devotions.

I am still very torn between the world of school and teaching and the world beyond.  I started reading from the beginning the book by Fulton Sheen "life of Christ" and I think it will give me more insights into who Jesus was as a man and where he wants to lead me today so that I can come to know him more fully in this life and be more prepared for the next life.

I have been working with Tasha's children and in virtual reality, and I hope to continue doing that the least for a while.  It is complex and there are many different signons, passwords and permissions.  I don't know how much will survive beyond me of this environment, particularly if the server rental fee is not continued.  I was always aware that with technology that would be the issue of what would survive beyond you.  But now I have many materials and I want to pass them along, but as Dan  reminded me, the devil will make the feel that passing along my legacy is the most important thing.  I ask you Jesus to help me understand where to focus and where to let go.  I'm trying to simplify things in this three dimensional virtual space so that my children and grandchildren may continue to use it.  I know that it is a tremendous gift from god to have these environments and resources, and I tried to get that out to the world through teaching.  However I have not made too many strides in this area – that is with which I have been successful; I spent a lot of time working in it – so I hope that Jesus you will let me know what I have to do in this environment.   Dear Jesus, help me spend this time well.  I'm grateful for the family that has come forward and is offered support and prayers; thank you for giving them to me.

Before I go to church today, I will try dictating more information about the courses that I have created for my job.  In three weeks I will be able to devote myself completely to the sabbatical and that will allow me to have more freedom to devote myself to the science and Technology Materials that I agreed to work on.

(Again, I am working with speech recognition so sometimes the words may get garbled where the capitalizations get a little funny. )

This is the first Friday and I will be staying to prayer the rosary in front of Jesus.  I will be going to Saint Clements church in Saratoga Springs; they have the most beautiful three story image of Jesus dying or dead on the cross in front of the church behind the altar.  I like to see it.  Sometimes I open my eyes to see it, but basically in church I close my eyes.  I find it distracting sometimes to be looking very directly at the priest.  In some way it makes me uncomfortable.  But too often when I close my eyes I go into my usual mental "to do" list and become distracted.  I hope Jesus that you help me know how to stay focused better when I am a church; I certainly should be thinking more about that relationship with you then about all the things I have to do in this life.  Teach me how to focus when I am in your presence and give me the faith and belief that I can finish up my other things later when I'm no longer in your secret space.

I have to leave now to finish up some of the work; again, dear Jesus, help me when I'm in the church to recognize your presence.

I am starting this blog to record my thoughts as they move towards my own almost imminent death.  I am being diagnosed for what might be a rare form of cancer – lucky me I seem to have caught it.  I have had a good life up to this point; four children, eight grandchildren, a good husband, and a good job.  I have spent the last six years trying to draw closer to my God, with going to the communion on an almost daily basis and trying to live my faith even more carefully.  But I have always been distracted.  Life is busy, I am a teacher and online teacher at that so there is seldom a moment when I don't have a big "to do" list of things I need to do.

I may now be facing a strange form of cancer – the breast cancer that I had recur this summer (which seems to be under control now) may have pointed to an obscure cancer, mesothelioma.  I have been going to Sloan Kettering in New York City to have them figure out what my next steps, and possibly last steps might be all about.

My family has been most considerate – my children have been calling me and my siblings, who I don't get to talk too often enough, have expressed concern by call or by e-mail.  I feel most fortunate to be surrounded by these holy and wonderful people.

But it is my "Journey to Jesus" that will need to take my time.  As I'd tried to move past the distractions of a wonderful but too busy life, I hope to note that some of the changes that I'm going on through this period.  My son Danny gave me some good advice about ways to pray and move closer to god.  I will start to see how I can use of blog as a prayer.  I am using speech recognition as they do this so some of the words might come out a little strangely.  But it's a start.

Still myself and listen for his words.  I listen to the words of connecting friends, family, relatives and concerned individuals who've reached out to me.  I know that Jesus is allowing all of this to happen; all of these forces of my past and present who are reaching out to me and you're talking about me among themselves.  Can this "chatter" be part of the way that god is speaking to the world?  And, how can I network Niko and Tanya into  the world of god and Catholicism without alienating them along the way?  What is my role Jesus in making this all happen?  How do you come into this and make up for what I can not do – how do you bring graces to all of them?  And how do I show that joy in my life that shows that you are there with me?  Will you be there with me Jesus as my health fades, as pain surfaces, and as despair might nips that my heels?  Right now I am feeling healthy and a bit in a seat of privilege – people are paying attention to the me – what will happen when this fades?  Can I keep your light Jesus and the cross in front of me?

I will read the "Way of the Cross" that just came from the Marian fathers.  I read holy books often, however, I often do not assimilate them and apply them into my life directly.  It is the distractions again that keep it from me.  Please help me to see you Jesus as they struggle to get closer to you.  I know that right now my view of you is failed and someday I'll see you as you are.  I know that these next few months or maybe years will test may and get me ready to see you.  Please help me to do this in a noble and God-filled way.  Please help me to take what lies ahead of me and turn it to the benefit of others, particularly for my children and grandchildren and for the wonderful people in my life who may be far from you at this point.   How can I have that joy and that love overflowing filled with Jesus that will make others want this in their own lives?

The I am looking at the life of Luisa Piccarreta who lived in the "Divine Will."  Teach me what that means Lord Jesus.