I was at Sloan yesterday and this morning I woke to sharp pains in my back.   Dear Jesus, I know this is of your will but I responded so badly with self pity, agony, and fear.   All of my planning was lost -- I realize that I keep thinking of myself as well, when I plan ahead.   The doctor said I should be OK to return to work in the fall, but there are still many unknowns about treatments and the ultimate prognosis.   I could feel sorrow for all the times I was not empathetic to others in pain; somehow I haven't understood or appreciated pain -- it really hasn't been my experience.

I know a lot more pain lies ahead, and I could see that I whined and cried.  I know Jesus that you are tailoring my Cross to me.  You are teaching me what I need so that I can be with you more fully in the next life.   I could see my plans melting to the ground.   I could see how I want to do right by all my children and my family, but there is conflict in that too.   Guide me along the path.   I could see that be full bodied and mentally able may not be in the future for me - or not for as long as I would like.   Jesus, please give me the directions that I need.

And, thank you for all the kind and wonderful people in my life and my family.   I feel very connected and very fortunate.   (And, thank the HealthCare professions too.)