Quite a roller-coaster now.  And little time for privacy and reflection.  Yesterday when I was going to dermatologist came in that the diagnosis was definitely mesothelioma And that they needed to schedule me for the treatments.  At the same time, Danny had called about a mass being held in Maryland In honor of the feast today of Our Lady of Lourdes.  I was planning to go that down to that with him. However, after having some pains during the night that seem disturbing enough that they didn’t want to have that problem during the long trip (totaling about 12 hours) and not being anywhere near doctors that I could connect with , I canceled the trip.  And still using the relic of Luisa Piccarretta when I was having those pains during the night, I held it against the painfully area and was able to get some sleep.  I don’t know who was her intervention or it was the Tylenol that it took but I was thankful to God for some time to sleep.

Danny’s conversation with me was very helpful.  Again he reminded me of the need to really focus on the lord and to get that center in my mind, and then I can but the right perspective and will be of the things that I’m trying to do.  There are lots of procedural things that I’m trying to get caught up on – bank accounts, social security, health benefits.  And their lot of things at worked then I’m trying to get caught up on too – I’m trying to be mindful enough of work so that I can count these days as workdays and not as sick days.  I’m still little worried about sabbatical.  Danny reminds me that that isn’t going to be the important thing if these are my last days.

I certainly want to think of these is my last days and prepare , however I’m assuming to that I will be back at work in the fall.  If I am in an extended period before I actually died, then I would want to continue work.  So my mind is split.  Again, Danny reminds me not to worry about that at all, but I don’t seem to be able to shut it off that easily.   I do have responsibilities for my job and I want to leave as much financial assets for Darren is possible.  Jesus, I know that you love me more than anybody in this planet and that you died for me.  Help me to get the right focus and how we put together some meaningful exits.  I have been enjoying talking to my family, but is leading the little time for any work.  So I don’t have a balance for all of this.  I’m beginning to see you a little more in the practical aspects of the world around me – when I drive and I see the world that you have made, and the way we as humans have made it sometimes pretty and sometimes pretty nasty.  Right now there’s beautiful snow all over everything.  But soon that will become shopworn and dirty; people are getting tired of all the shoveling.  We have over two feet of snow; actually maybe 3 feet of snow.  It’s been a snowy winter and Darren has been out shoveling much of the time. 

I go to church and stay longer.  There’s a bit of an expectation and excitement that I am going someplace better and that I don’t need to worry about some of the things that are worried me in the past.  How much I weigh or what I look like.  Those things are not going to make too much difference and so I feel relieved when I see very old people at church and think that I really won’t have that cross to bear.  But again, I don’t know.  The prognosis is dismal but there’s always hope for miracles and new treatments.  But there’s part of me that wants to find a way to just die gracefully and join my Lord and Savior and maybe I can be a lot more effective on the other side.   And if I can get there without too much purgatory, I will be able to have more freedom to focus on helping those that remain in this planet.  I have many sins that I need to address the people who have suffered from the bad mistakes of my past life.  So if I can’t help from here, I hope to be able to help them when I’m on the other side. 

Jesus, help me to make this my journey to you and not all again about “eileen.”  It is so easy to spend your time now focusing on your pains, your worries, and your sufferings.  There’s a lot of fear and uncertainty.  There’s nothing I can look up tells me what lies ahead because this is really an unknown disease at this point.  So again I have to remember “Jesus, I trust in you.” And remember it over and over and over.