I am starting this blog to record my thoughts as they move towards my own almost imminent death.  I am being diagnosed for what might be a rare form of cancer – lucky me I seem to have caught it.  I have had a good life up to this point; four children, eight grandchildren, a good husband, and a good job.  I have spent the last six years trying to draw closer to my God, with going to the communion on an almost daily basis and trying to live my faith even more carefully.  But I have always been distracted.  Life is busy, I am a teacher and online teacher at that so there is seldom a moment when I don't have a big "to do" list of things I need to do.

I may now be facing a strange form of cancer – the breast cancer that I had recur this summer (which seems to be under control now) may have pointed to an obscure cancer, mesothelioma.  I have been going to Sloan Kettering in New York City to have them figure out what my next steps, and possibly last steps might be all about.

My family has been most considerate – my children have been calling me and my siblings, who I don't get to talk too often enough, have expressed concern by call or by e-mail.  I feel most fortunate to be surrounded by these holy and wonderful people.

But it is my "Journey to Jesus" that will need to take my time.  As I'd tried to move past the distractions of a wonderful but too busy life, I hope to note that some of the changes that I'm going on through this period.  My son Danny gave me some good advice about ways to pray and move closer to god.  I will start to see how I can use of blog as a prayer.  I am using speech recognition as they do this so some of the words might come out a little strangely.  But it's a start.

Still myself and listen for his words.  I listen to the words of connecting friends, family, relatives and concerned individuals who've reached out to me.  I know that Jesus is allowing all of this to happen; all of these forces of my past and present who are reaching out to me and you're talking about me among themselves.  Can this "chatter" be part of the way that god is speaking to the world?  And, how can I network Niko and Tanya into  the world of god and Catholicism without alienating them along the way?  What is my role Jesus in making this all happen?  How do you come into this and make up for what I can not do – how do you bring graces to all of them?  And how do I show that joy in my life that shows that you are there with me?  Will you be there with me Jesus as my health fades, as pain surfaces, and as despair might nips that my heels?  Right now I am feeling healthy and a bit in a seat of privilege – people are paying attention to the me – what will happen when this fades?  Can I keep your light Jesus and the cross in front of me?

I will read the "Way of the Cross" that just came from the Marian fathers.  I read holy books often, however, I often do not assimilate them and apply them into my life directly.  It is the distractions again that keep it from me.  Please help me to see you Jesus as they struggle to get closer to you.  I know that right now my view of you is failed and someday I'll see you as you are.  I know that these next few months or maybe years will test may and get me ready to see you.  Please help me to do this in a noble and God-filled way.  Please help me to take what lies ahead of me and turn it to the benefit of others, particularly for my children and grandchildren and for the wonderful people in my life who may be far from you at this point.   How can I have that joy and that love overflowing filled with Jesus that will make others want this in their own lives?

The I am looking at the life of Luisa Piccarreta who lived in the "Divine Will."  Teach me what that means Lord Jesus.