Jesus, today I meet you through Father Torres in Whitehall.  Help me to make the general confession that I need to and please help me make it a holy and honest one.  I can see all the conflicts of humans and the many levels on which we operate.  Wanting to get the respect and good will of Father.  And at the same time knowing I need to be totally honest about things I wish I had never done.  Help me to make a sacramental confession And get ready for next week’s operations.  I want to also get the Sacrament of the Sick since I will be going under general anesthesia next week as well. 

I also need advice on where to put my time.  I do want to continue with the science and technology work, but is that what you want Jesus?  And maybe Father can give me some perspective on this since he comes from the world of academia himself. 

I was able to see Dan and Regina and Joseph yesterday.  It is a joy to see this happy little boy and to watch him grow.  Will you let me see him from the other side Jesus?  I know you let me pray for my family from the other side.  But will you let me see them grow?  I remember when Jimmy died, walking around the house in Glenmont and inviting him to look at what was going on in the house.  I had no idea whether I was acting insanely or whether that was something to me could really see.  I still don’t know – and I don’t think anyone can tell me even in the Church – how the dead see as on the living side of the grave.  I can imagine that you would have them stop caring about people that they’ve loved.  But how much do they know and remember when they are on the other side.  Danny reminds me that I don’t have to think that I will go to purgatory if I get things right to bring these last days.  But I’m not sure how you do that Jesus.  Darren said something about my being a holy woman and not worrying about the next life at this point.  It made since sense when he said it, but now I am not sure what that meant.  I’m very conflicted about whether to be working on things in this world or just praying and meditating.  I hope that Father Torres can give me some perspective on this. 

Father Erasto will be coming over in the midday and I want to get a perspective from him as to whether any of work that I’m doing could be of use to his mission in Africa.  I ask you Jesus to guide me on your path at this point, particularly as to what you want to do with what is left of my time.  There’s always the hope of the possibility that the work at Sloan Kettering may lead to a cure.  But the odds are very remote.  And honestly there is a part of me that does not want to be cured.  I don’t know what else I can do in this world to help my family or myself or others.  But I do know that when you are on the other side, Jesus, I will be able to pray for others and maybe work with you on the your Salvation of the world.  I feel I failed quite a lot with my family and with my teaching.  Maybe you will show me better ways to do what I tried to do in this earth could I look forward to seeing you sacramentally Jesus in several hours. 

As I reviewed this speech dictation, I realize that it’s still all about me what I can do in this world.  It is not about meeting you Jesus.  I don’t know how to do that.  How and what prepared to see goodness, love, the creator of the universe.  All I can think about is me and what I want to do in this world.  Jesus, I see it don’t know how to envision your goodness.  Teach me, please.  I’m always thinking about how the world will perceive me.