We saw a very good movie last night, “The Judge.” Robert Duvall was in it and had a useful range of moral issues that were resolved in a realistic way.  In it Duval dies by the end, of a cancer that eats away at him.  I was overwhelmed with a sadness about all the people that I will be leaving and I will miss greatly.  Children, grandchildren, and most of all Darren.  I cried.  I haven’t cried much and that was about the only time so far.  I realize there’s no use worrying on what’s coming, because that will not make a difference as to what will happen eventually.  I know that Jesus you will make it all right, and that my passing will bring merit to those that I love, if I do it in Your Will, Lord.   I realize that with my father’s mother, I never really met her because she died when I was a little over year old.  I realize that with Joseph and Danny’s children, may never get to know me.  Of course, there is some hope that this therapy at Sloan might make a difference, but short of that, the prognosis for my being around beyond a few years is very dim. 

I seem to have a sort of direction on what I should be doing at this point, codifying the work that I have created over the past 20 years.  I am starting a book in that regard, using speech recognition for the bulk of the writing.  I would like there to be some larger document that will allow others to read and understand the educational philosophy too.   I don’t know if that is my will the god’s will.  I will plan today, God willing, to be able to make an appointment to have a total confession with Father Torres.   

Jesus, as I try to see you, I keep getting thrown back into the very ordinariness of my life.  I think somehow I need to see you in those everyday interactions, the phone calls to children, the ruminations about pulling together my legacy work, the living everyday with Darren, the learning how to deal with pain medications and with the fear of the pain may be cancer and the muscle spasms that I think that I am having.  My screensaver in the computer where am writing shows you the agony in the garden and accepting the chalice from your father.  Please help me to accept my chalice – to really even understand what the chalice is.  I still have much under my control of this point.  And Darren has been very wonderful about looking to the details of documentation and information about the financial and material things that I have in this life.  It is giving me a lot of freedom to pursue more of the intellectual and religious things that are going on.  He has been very thoughtful and considerate and I am trying to appreciate a person who often I can overlook because he is there and is constant and is steady.  I worry about him being alone.  I see him in the cold and darkness of our house when I will no longer be there with him at dinner.  I know that that is a romantic notion in my own head.  I have no idea if that is what is really going to happen, who predeceases who and what is in god’s plan.  I know I’m not supposed to spend my time dwelling on those type of What-ifs.  I am very aware now though that many of us will be dying without the help of others around.  If my time is as short as the statistics seem to indicate it will be, I will have had the benefit of having a loving family around me.  I fear for all those who will be lonely and scared and in pain.  I will pray for them to as I offer up any of my suffering now.  At this point, I can honestly say I’ve suffered very little.  Lord, please help those who are struggling now with their own death and you do not have the comfort of family.