Pain has had little to do with my journey to this point.  I have had soreness after operations, but nothing that was particularly disquieting or that I couldn't deal with.  However, when the visiting nurse came and had to train the pleural space, I reacted very badly to the sharp pain.  All of my self complacency about how I was good a tolerating pain disappeared quickly.

How did Jesus reacted to pain and why did the accept it?  As Sheen points out, Christ purpose for coming was to forgive sin– not to make us rich, famous, content, or well satisfied with their self, but to take away the punishment that we all deserve.  From the maker of the universe who could have avoided all pain, why did he take on pain to bring us back in alignment with his will?  How can I use the pain that will lie ahead for me for my own salvation, for this salvation of my children and grandchildren, and for the salvation of the whole world?  I know that part of the way I will deal with this is by not thinking ahead.  "God's grace is sufficient for the moment. " it is not right for me to move beyond and contemplate my own small wounds.

Along with my gratitude towards my family who've been most supportive and of course for Darren who really has become so princely in helping me, I really see the need to be thankful for the church.  It has preserved the teachings of Christ in codified, supportive, sacramental ways that are there for all of us when we suddenly realize how important it is.  For all those times in my life when I was just too busy to really think about God and to really think about where the world is going; I was very involved in the world of work and of family – but work always seem to be at the top of my mind.  I had my fears about money from my severe poverty in my twenties, and I allowed status and moving ahead in a career to trump all of my other values.  I'm so thankful right now to Empire State College that I have a job and that the job provides meaning to me and hopefully to others – education is an area that I'm pleased and proud to be in.  However, I am well aware of putting too much emphasis on this in my past, and how I'm very thankful that my church and my family is there for me at this point.  I want to find ways to take was left of my time on earth to helping the church move forward and to helping my family get closer to Jesus.

I was able to work with Aidan in virtual reality yesterday.  I can hear him thinking and pulling ideas together; it really will help me with some of the work I want to do in this field.  However, it was just nice to be with my grandson and to visualize the things that he was seeing and thinking and feeling.  Again, thank you Jesus for this time with my family and for being able to reach across a continent to be with my grandchildren.  I have been most blessed.

Tasha did some research into the therapy that they're going to be applying to me.  Of course, it is quite experimental, but it looks hopeful and within my own emotions inside the I find it difficult to think about dying and then to think about being healed at the same time.  I seem to have to feel as though I am accepting one or the other.  But I know in truth I have to accept god's-will and I don't know what it is.  If I am to die soon, Jesus please help me do that with dignity and with respect and let me do it in the way to earn grace for myself and for the many others that I love – my family and Darren's family.  If I am to live, may I use my time in better ways and I have in the past.  I hope to see my family grow much closer together as a result of this experience; I can see it happening already.  Thank you Jesus as I pursue my work for today – I still owe time and attention to my Empire State College work.