A tremendous sadness at leaving this world.  Not seeing the people I love, not seeing them growing and change, not seeing the grandchildren come to maturity – realizing that Danny’s children will never even know me.   Knowing that I can’t be a part of their lives.  Just sent an emptiness of not being part of the picture. 

And at the same time, I don’t know whether I might make it through this.  A trial at Sloan is to the purpose of extending my life.  Randy was talking also about having surgery and chemo to keep my life going for longer.  Pains I have are not that great yet, they’re more like spasms in my chest and some occasional shooting pains in my shoulder and lower back.  What will I do with pain far greater?  And the questions of being in public?  What if I have a lot of pain on in public and how do I handle that?  A lot of it is the result of m pride.  I don’t want people to see me as weakened or as a burden.  I want them to remember me more like the pictures I see in the albums.  Mary came last night and it was good to sit down with all family pictures.  Thank goodness we have the albums with the many good times with the kids when they were little.  I wish I were one of those fun type of mothers.  But I did facilitate a lot of good events and reunions and activities.    Mary’s children had so much more joy in their life; she was such a good mother and was able to be home with them and enjoy them.  You can see it in the way they still behave today.  My sisters with their big families have so much to show to the world.  They do not have fancy clothes; they did not have trips to Europe; they do not have nice furniture.  But they have love and life and happiness around them.  You don’t have to look far to see that truth of the way of the Lord incorporated into their lives .  .  .  and the results are beautiful. 

As they sit here of all of the emotions, bafflement, and sporadic pains; I try to see you Jesus.  I know you are there with us all last night as we looked at pictures; I could feel that there was such goodness in the space that we were in and I felt such safety and security.  I haven’t been able to do my sequestered readings like I sometimes do.  I need to engage more in that.  I did make an appointment with Father Torres to go for a general confession next week.  And tomorrow I go down to Sloan to get a checkup.  I want to get into my life important things that need to be done or I might have to travel independently.  Strange, they have no idea how much more time I have.  Despite having some rather sharp but very infrequent pains, I don’t feel too badly.  But being almost on sabbatical, there’s a sense of relaxation, because they don’t have all the nagging little things that come up during the workweek.  Let me use this time for you Jesus.  Somehow it still seems too mundane.  Being pain free at this point for me makes it hard for me to understand that I really don’t have much time it from me.  It’s like we mostly live every day because they don’t have an end in mind.  Funny, none of us ever really do have that perspective but we forget that we really could be stopped at any point.  I don’t think people could live if they were  constantly aware of the fact that their life could on that date. 

It’s a Sunday, and I look forward to going to your church dear Lord, but I hope not to have some crazy pain.  Getting past the point of pride how we get through the day in a way that is worthy of being a child of god.  I’m also going to be bringing Father Erasto to meet with the other ladies from Africa.  Please bless that meeting and provide connections that could help us establish the communications with Africa to help ease some of the burdens in that continent that suffers so much.  I’m sitting here as such a privileged woman approaching her seventies with all types of medications and attention and support.  I think of the people in so many parts of the world that get up with pain and suffering every day of their lives.  I don’t know how they survived I have any kind of emotional or mental stability.  This world is a great joy – I realize now that I’ve always had so many opportunities that I squandered with worry and busy-ness.  As I start losing these opportunities, Lord, let me see your light in them and let me know that you’re only giving me things to challenge me so that I can have an even greater crown in the next life.  Help me to be there for my family and for children all around the world in need of a mother.  Blessed Mother please shine in my life and help me use these days well for the betterment of my family and the world.