Sitting in the Holy Hour at St. Mary's I could sense the time and eternity through which Our Lord has traveled, from the beginning of time through the Jews and into the Christian era.   He is with us in time and in the relationships that He has made available to us on our journey.   A peace filled my soul.

While I continue to feel well but my dear great nephew is dying at this very moment - declared brain dead and soon to pass on to the next life completely.  My wonderful niece, his mother, is a model of grief and holiness, just like the Blessed Mother.   May You Lord and Your Blessed Mother be with the Suarez family.  And, dear Sebastian will you ask God to help our struggling world?

Feeling healthy and strong.  I have been able to do my 4 mile walk most mornings and I bring my rosary beads with me.  The idea came from Danny's blog posting about walking with rosaries after receiving communion.  It almost seems as though the diagnosis might have been a mistake.  Or maybe Jesus, you want me here a little longer.  I was able to continue to work on both the science education course and the virtual environments course.  They are in pretty good shape so I hope others can run them at some of your seminary schools.  There is a great need for education and other parts of the world – and Father Erasto is helping me there – and I hope that Holy Apostles College and Seminary can embrace the virtual reality courses.  After receiving the "good news" from Sloan, I have felt more purposeful about moving forward on those two projects.  I have five weeks left for the sabbatical and I want to use it well, dear Jesus.  I am actually looking forward to returning to work, it makes me feel as though I still have some value in this world.  And I have been able to catch up with family and friends and not feeling sort and under the weather.  Thank you for this time.

I also received a relic yesterday from Danny from Padre Pio.  It is the gauze from around his sacred wounds.  I know this comes from the stigmata that you graced Padre Pio with.  I have had the benefit of so many prayers, intercessions through communions and novenas offered, relics around my house, and my own expanding prayer life.  I feel more and more enveloped in your world, dear Lord.

I am reading another book, recommended by Tasha, about fighting cancer.  This is from a doctor who had cancer himself.  He makes good points about the ways we can behaviorally control our cancers.  His points, I think, stretch the findings that he claims are from science, but I think is advice is solid.  But he only approaches religion, for as far as I've gotten into the book right now, from the perspective of meditation or Buddhism.  It seems everyone is still afraid to speak your name in public, Jesus.  I have been toying with the idea of a book about my own journey that I would call "Unfinished."  Can you guide me as to whether this is something you want me to do with the end of my sabbatical time?  As you well know, I have been keeping notes through this blog and through a note to Darren that will be given to him on my death – or at least I hope it will be.  The I note that writing a book would keep me motivated and upbeat, but is it me or is it you, Jesus?

By the way, I did get to see the CT scan data from Sloan.  I can't understand it all but it does seem that there has been some reduction in the hardening of my pleural lining which I think is good news.  Are you giving me more time?  I am feeling a peace.  For while I was really getting into what I call my "wigs and morphine" phase.  I was projecting out to the end and trying to figure how I could be safe.  Could I save my appearance?  Could I save myself from pain?  Could this saving from pain be done with my mind still somewhat intact?  That seems to be melting with a better news and hopefully with your grace dear Jesus.  I think I will start some of the writing, but will ask for your guidance and direction along the way.  Please let me know if that is from you or from me.

Thank you, Jesus, for the good news about my health.  After coming back from Sloan, I was pleased to know that there is no new pleural effusion and that the CT scan looked good.  Not quite sure where this leaves me but I am clear to go back to work in the fall and will be on schedule for October to see when and if they have to move to the next steps.  It is good news and world we sense.

There is also wonderful news in that Dan and Regina are due to have another baby in march.  It is very early right now so please Lord protect this unborn child with your loving care and providence.  I wish they had a better financial scenario but that must be in your hands dear Lord.  I have been able to listen to more tapes from LightHouse Catholic Media and it is improving my understanding of you and of your planned for the Church.

I have been moving very quickly since I got the good news one week ago.  I if think that you want me to finish up the virtual materials so that Holy Apostle can take over teaching them.  I have also been working with Father Erasto about getting the materials to Africa and hopefully we can run some courses with Africa to in the fall.  I am actually eager about thinking about returning to work; I must work very differently and more efficiently.  I am trying to get the headset and speech recognition to work well.  I have been listening to Father Larry Richards about living in the divine will and according to the way he sees things, if I am serving and loving in the work I do then it must be at least part of your well for me.  I am excited about working on the virtual island today and creating it so that it can be an activity that others can use for their own in making their own islands more quickly.  I don't know if I have been foolish to have invested so much of the past 15 years of my life in working with virtual environments, but Lord, please help me if this is what you want me to do – I think it is.  I am happy to think I may be in your service for a bit longer.  Honestly, I had been looking into what I would do if I went through chemotherapy – what type of wig I would buy – and how I would use morphine to help me through those and times.  Those questions are still out there, but it seems you have given me a reprieve for several months before I must deal with them.

Please help me channel the excitement and I feel about the upcoming baby, about my work and my going back to work, and help me use my time well.

I am trying to sense where I stand with you, Jesus, and what you want me to do.  I am almost finished with the science and technology work and I have two months before my sabbatical is over.  On Monday I go to Sloan to see where I stand with the cancer.  I keep on thinking that you want a catholic media enterprise, the world needs it badly and today we lost the Supreme Court decision on marriage.  You know how much this will hurt your children Jesus.  But is that which you want me to do?  Part of me wants to write my memoirs and another part of me wants to write something about the situation in the world in general so that Darren can make good Entertainment Media from this.  I am feeling well and thank you for that lord.  It was good to see Teresa and Tommy and their family's visit tonight for lasagna.  I still feel part of the world and I think that this "dying from mesothelioma" seems to be really more of something I imagined then is something real.  I still don't know when the other shoe will drop.

I am getting close to you through my readings and through my extended visits to church.  I do feel enmeshed in a safe world of beautiful buildings, powerful sentiment, and a deeper faith.  I've realize that I am not a person of feeling and emotion.  I can not expect that you will reach me through those means.  But I am a person who can take long term steps towards long-term goals.  You helped me get a doctorate; you helped me write novels; you are helping me with the virtual reality (which is always very challenging); you will continue to help me I know.  I read St. Therese of Liseux and I see her child like the belief that you will always be with her.

Jesus, it was very good to see Tasha and her family.  She is really raising the children in the faith and they even came with me one day to daily mass.  Hopefully, she will avoid the problems that I had by not raising my older children in the faith.  I know you have forgiven me for that to the extent I can be forgiven in confession, but I will pay a constant reparation for those sins of omission and I will pray for all of my children and grandchildren to return to and live in the faith that you have given us.  I can most definitely see how this faith is helping me now as I face my own mortality.  However, for the past month I've been feeling physically much better and I received a call from my job about the fall.  I did let them know of my illness, but honestly, at this point I am feeling as though it is possible to return to work and be almost 100% of what I used to be.

But now I have a different "eye" as I look forward on my life.  Funny, all the times that we spend talking about the future – such as when I went to the airport recently, talking about how I am getting to be a better traveler.  I don't know how much more time you'll give me for traveling.  It seems our life is full of projections forward and our very language and learning is about giving us what we need for these future experiences.  And I don't know what they're going to be.  Now that I ever really did know but I thought I did – I thought I would be around at least until my late eighties.  Now it's a big question mark.

I have been able to do more reading about you Jesus and the book by the Japanese author Endo is giving me more insights into the life that you lead and the culture in which you lived.  I can't know or understand it all but I can see you moving through time and history and even geography as you work towards Jerusalem and your death for us.  I try to meditate and make You the center of my life, but this life intervenes – such as last week when we are in California – your presence seems to disappear into the background.  I also know from past experience that when the sickness takes over again, I lose my ability to pray.  Therefore, I am trying at this point to anticipate and store up the graces that I will need to get through the "hour of my death" which I know will have the greatest pain and the biggest fear in my life.  (You're well aware of my claustrophobia and fears of not breathing.)  I was reading St. Faustina last night who was well assured that those last moments she would be spending with you directly.  Please be there to help me through and to let my life be an example to those who need you, particularly to those to whom I did not bring your faith when I should have.  Bring something good from my death.  I know that from a bodily sense I will be shriveled, panting, looking lifeless and homely.  That bothers me although I know that should not be a priority.  I still wish to be attractive for my husband and I know that isn't going to be possible.  As you can see, dear Jesus, I am still very much in this world and I need your help to lift me out of it just the way St. Therese speaks of in her diaries.  Lift me out of the silly little old lady thinking that I have and align me with the thinking that you want.  I know I will have no control over the endpoint – none of us do, but I never really thought about it.  I have prayed many rosaries and hopefully will have your help as a transition on eternal life with you.  Help me to be the person that you want me to be; give me the grace please to make this happen.

Dear Jesus, things may be accelerating from the disease standpoint - some fevers, some night sweating, some shortness of breath.  Up till now, most of the discomfort has been from the treatments.

Help me to know what to do with my time and how to address any fear and pain.  Reading the book on St. Teresa with her autobiography and other materials (letters, reminiscences, papal documents) has given me insights into the little way of turning all to you even when not feeling holy or in your light.  I know you are there and you have created this pathway for me, but I still feel scared and unsure.   I don't like pain; I fear pain.  But I will try my best to trust.  Please help me with the grace that I need to be in and stay in your will.  Jesus I trust in you.  Maybe I will see you sooner then I thought.   I was feeling so well for a while that I thought the disease might have been a mistake.

Help me to know you in my travels.   I am still trying to finish some courses and I talked to Meg at work and we are full speed ahead for teaching comes September.  Guide me as to what will be your will for then.

Love you.

Jesus, it has been some time since we talked.  Darren's dad died and there was much preparation, consternation, celebration, and worry with his funeral and burial.   You had granted him a full life, despite the Alzeheimer's of his last days.  Hopefully / prayerfully, the breakthrough in getting a priest to him, even though his was then in the throes of dying from a stroke and lack of feeding, you were able to break through to his heart and gain from him the repentance that you needed.  Who but you can judge someone?  Who but you understanding what the "hour of your death" really means.  In my micromanaging of the world, I could see Dad  now praying for his family from the other side.  How do you break through to the New Age group of which my mother-in-law belongs? I could see myself now at the family gatherings after the funeral worried about so much other then just the passage of a soul -- did I look OK?  (especially since Darren's first wife (from whom his marriage was legitimately annulled) came to the service) was I projecting holy vibs (they all knew that I was dying too but I tried to show faith and hope (but did I come across as pompous and silly?)  did I forever look at the photos from the funeral and look to see if / how I looked compared to the rest?  How long vanity lasts in me.  How and when will I learn to follow your light?

I am feeling considerably better -- I take 3 mile walks in the morning and much of the healing after the removal of the drainage catheter from my chest seems to have happened.  I am enjoying the time with the sabbatical and the reduction in the stress of work.   I still thing about returning to work in the fall and wonder if / how I can do that.  Please be sure to tap me hard on the head with what I am to do job wise; I have a hard time hearing your voice at time.   I did get to the healing mass at the Divine Mercy chapel and I could feel your peace.  But your voice gets hard to hear so quickly for me.  I am (at Danny's recommendation) getting more time in front of you in t your churches; but much seems to get in the way.  His (Danny's) point is that I can not go wrong if I am spending more time in our presence. That is true.

Today we go to Roxbury to get some paperwork signed.  I have more tapes from Lighthouse Catholic Media that I hope to listen to on the way.  Please help them inspire Darren and me.  I still hope that he starts the Catholic media company but I have been pushing too hard - he resists and it might be all about my will and not yours.  Please guide me there.  I am still trying to manage things from this side and the other side of the grave.   Please help me learn to see . . . and to trust. . . your way Lord.

Thank you for giving me my wonderful life and family to this point; help me with the fears that keep coming up. 

Much has happened Good Lord.  Praise to you Jesus, but I am feeling a lot better.  Since the catheter came out about a month ago I have been able to get around walking and I seem to be recovering much of my energy and strength.  I still have soreness but I am feeling almost the "New Normal. " what is troubling me though is the deposition.  I have been trying to reach the priest about having a longer confession.  This will be complicated because I don't know whether my words were justified with in the context of a legal setting or whether I was lying.  I have been waiting for over a week for confirmation of the meeting for confession.  Father got back to me right away when I emailed him for time and said that he would hear me but even after a second e-mail I am waiting to hear from him.  Jesus, please do not punish me or my family at this point.  I don't know whether I have to drop the lawsuit or whether this is OK and I do need to have your approvals from your minister the priest.

I have been able to move closer to you in other ways through my church and my devotions at home and through my walk around and praying the rosaries as I am able to start most mornings with this nicer weather by doing a 4 mile walk around my neighborhood praying the rosary as they go.  I'm still very distracted and prior but I am getting better.  I've been spending more time in church before or after mass but it is always very noisy – at least no easy for me who seems to need to have absolute quiet to be able to focus.  Actually, focusing is always difficult for me.  But I do at least tried to spend time with you Jesus.  I have been reading more of Fulton sheen's "life of Christ" and it keeps me more and more aware of who you are in the context of history and genealogy.  I've also finished most of the St. Therese of Lisieux and having more than just what a biography has been a huge boon.  There are papal documents that followed shortly after her canonization and just recently it was the 90th year since her canonization.  At the end there is a collection of her small statements to the novices and they are most enlightening.  To read Terese who is a truly unique individual and her simple and different way of seeing the challenges of life gives much hope.

I still am fearful about my health.  Generally I feel pretty well.  But I'd read what will happen and how I will fall apart at some point.  My job called me.  I have three more months before have to go back to work and one of my colleagues is leaving so I will have to pick up some new courses.  I will be letting them know soon about my own health issues.  I am putting whether I return to work into your hands.  I have fears about losing my salary.  I will never be able to get another job at my age after I and better – are at least more able to work.  So I don't want to lose the job.  But I have been enjoying not having to be under such pressure of getting to meetings and to work all the time.  Since I do work online I have the greater flexibility.  But I will be under more pressure.  I put that in your hands Jesus.  I want to be fair to my job and to the students that the school has lined up.

Please help me with all of these uncertainties.  I know you will.  I'm looking forward to taking my morning walks with rosary beads - looking forward to a walk with you and your mother.

It became more real yesterday, Jesus; and I am scared.  The visit to Sloan was not as optimistic (reading between the lines of the very terse doctor) and I will be re-evaluated in 2 months with possible surgery lying ahead.  The optimism of the "clinical trials" is starting to fade.

My problem is that I have been slipping back into "the world" more and more.  We just had the funeral for Darren's dad and there were so many worldly aspects that I have been away from my times of peace and growth.  But I am seeing that I am not as focused on you Lord; I have been focused on the world.   I am not sure if going to work in the fall will be an option at all.   Help me draw closer to you Lord, and while staying in the world, being focused on the things that are eternal and on the things you want me to do with my time.  Let me get back into the light of the path to you.  Walk before me Lord or let me walk by your side.  Either way.  Help me to see you.

Moving more and more back into the "real" world, as my recovery from the biopsy and viral infusion become more past history.   I feel like my-old-self to some degree, but more bewildered; where do I go from here?   I am reading St. Therese's Autobiography once more - skipping around in the book.   I envy and admire her simplicity and joy; she reports, on the pages that I have read recently, about how God works through the everyday life of the convent and how He love and forgives her.   She has a freshness and a childlike joy in everything she does.   I tend towards pondering and overthinking, such as my concern about what I should be doing now with my life.  I want Therese's clarity and seeing God in all her actions.

It seems I have to embrace my situation - for now, becoming healthier but wondering what lies beyond -- and assume that God values my life "as is."   I am supposed to be a science/tech educator, as well as a mother and wife.   I have an opportunity with HACS to assemble short courses and I need to stay devoted to that, and focused on that.   Or, so I think.   Jesus, would you please let me know when that is not pleasing to you?

We are working through the funeral arrangements for Darren's Dad.   I need to keep him and the O'Connor family in my deepest prayers.  They need to see you as their Lord and Savior. 

I am slipping into the doldrums of recovering health and taking back all the fears and worries.  The nobility of a quick exit and the sadness of my own death is slipping away as I am becoming more able to resume daily life.  I still don’t know the ultimate prognosis; in about two weeks I will return to Sloan to get a sense of my future.  But I know the mechanics of my illness are subsiding.

But dear Jesus how do I keep focused on the things of the next world?  I have concerns about my children and the closeness to them can almost bring them into a stronger relief.  I know you’re admonition about the things in this world are not simply for us when we’re dying; it is meant for us at all times.  Guide me and the path that you want me to follow, please.

My miseries and my fears are most evident.  I awoke in a sort of panic, afraid of being alone.  I still feel very well.  What will happen to my strength of character as my health deteriorates more?  The readings help, the Divine Office sets me on the right path.  On my own I am nothing.  I become a bucket of fears and anxieties.  Usually, I know where my life is going, at least I think so.  Now I don’t know.  I dreamt about getting paychecks – these long printed forms that were handed out to me in a somewhat ceremonial fashion.  At the end I got two final checks about $5000 each that closed me out of that job.  Somehow, in my dream, I was working at IBM again.  I became aware though that I no longer have a job and that I was at the end of the line.  I know I am thinking about this often in my present situation.  What will happen to my future if I don’t go back to the school?  I know that I present job is my last hope of employment.  My dream certainly seem to be about figuring out what I was to do with my life.

Thank God for your word.  Being able to orient myself with the Divine Office and with readings from the “Imitation of Christ” I am able to quell the fears that come from within me.  Seeing my own nothingness in such relief certainly is a wakeup call to mortality.  Hope is the only way that I can survive.  I believe through my faith in the world to come and in you Good Lord Jesus.  I know that you will be there for me.  How this will play out I have no understanding.  You keep that veiled from us.  But I do believe and hope that your promises will be true.  Although the world around me often laughs at my belief in you Jesus, I hope you will be there.  How you will look, how you will approach me I don’t know; but I hope you will be there.

Joanne Wagner came yesterday and was a great inspiration.  She is very practically grounded and spiritually oriented and I grew from the words that she spoke.  Thank you for putting these people in my life.  Protect my whole family please.  We all need help in different ways; I know you care about them even more than I do.  Protect them and all the children of the world – now, in the past, and in the future.  They’re all your children Lord.

As I turned back to my sabbatical efforts today, hopefully, please direct my efforts and time working within Your Will, Lord.  I am trying to find the Divine Will in my life.  I know that without it my efforts are futile and silly.  I spent many years working in teaching in ways that I think have been futile.  Guide me in ways and I can assemble what I do know and put forward to the use of you and your world.  Science and technology are my fields; help me bring them to the world in ways to serve you lord.  Thank you for being willing to forgive me and to allow me the grace of receiving communion.  I couldn’t get to church yesterday and I missed you.  I’m looking forward to seeing you to Dear Jesus in Holy Communion.

It was good to see Danny for lunch.  A chaotic time at the nursing home for my mother earlier, but I was able to get an anointing from Father L'Arche who was there.  Good to be part of a network of holy people (the Suarez's were there too). 

Danny and I talked about Living in the Divine Will - this recent Amazon-delivered book on Luisa Piccaretta was the jumping off point.   How do you know if you are in the Divine Will or your will?   Since I have been feeling better physically, I am wandering back to my old work.   There might be possibilities to work with more Catholic teachers on science and I am now very intrigued again in putting forth my science inquiry ideas.   I was reading the Breviary (not sure if I am at the right spot though - I never am sure of that), and I had an insight about Jesus and the New Jerusalem - those of us working forward in our lives to bring forth the Kingdom of God.   Can my work in science education be part of those efforts - Dear Lord, please lead and guide me there.   You know I love that type of work - but is it my will or yours? 

Dan did have a good suggestion about visiting my mother more at Teresian and visiting with more of the seniors at her location.  They are lonely and could use some time from someone who cares.   He suggested asking to say a decade of the Rosary with them.   I need to start making that a regular part of my journey.

Dad (Daniel Patrick O'Connor) is getting near death and Darren was able to get a priest to come in for the Last Rites.   Dear Lord, prepare Daniel your servant for a holy death.   We wander far in a very worldly world; help Daniel on his path to You, Lord.

Praise the Lord!!!  Yesterday I was able to complete my reading of read Dan's book on "The Crown and Completion of All Sanctity" and it was important, worthy, well conceived, and thorough in its documentation and citation.  I could see his talent and his inspiration.  As I struggled to understand the "divine will" in my own life, learning about Louisa Piccaretta and the theological implications of her work.  I think I can help him by passing along some editorial and organizational comments.  I plan to meet him to day at the nursing home and share some of those thoughts.

I also was able to connect with Dr. Sebastian Mahfood and I told him about my "terminal" situation and my desire to share my work.  He already had some ideas about science applications that could possibly work with seminarians and priests and programs that they want to develop.  I hope I can make some progress here too.  Funny, though, as I try to dictate this message I keep on having coughing spells.  I don't know if God will that be do this work the way I want to – thus it might be Eileen's well and not God's will.  I will have to see.   Honestly, I am finding more reasons to live; is it the too-human part of me that wants to do something that is "appreciated."   Jesus, please help me to see and know your will here.   Thank you, Lord. 

Very human emotions took over and almost choked me.  A deep sadness about those I would be leaving, missing them tremendously despite the foibles and frustrations they bring into my life at this point.  And in my own ego came in too – I would soon be forgotten.  I know even from my brother jimmy who I loved and missed, life went on.  He became the picture that someone brought to family events and eventually the picture stopped coming.  He was often remembered and cited that he was not any longer part of the interactions.  I know that will happen to me.  As I went to bed I kept on crying and crying need it so I couldn't breathe properly.  Then I had the usual "panic attack" of – I can't breathe.  But this time I realize that my destiny was moving in that direction which panicked me even more.

I can reconcile all of this, to Jesus.  I get up and started praying the rosary.  The breathing came back and although I couldn't resolve the human emotions that I have been troubled with, I was able to assimilate it into the bigger picture of the world that I would be moving into.  I have no option but to trust in you Jesus.  Every human emotion leads to a dead end or pain.  It does not sound the most noble, but I have absolutely no recourse but to trust in you dear lord.   I am working on my science education materials, and they can be a wonderful, or is it awful, distraction.  I enjoyed pulling together the pieces and thinking that somebody might use the someday.  But is it what you want of me dear lord?  Now that it is quiet again in the house, I am able to start integrating prayer, exercise, and writing about the science materials.  I guess I will ask and dear lord to make it clear as they move ahead with this is really what you want me to do.  Father Erasto did write to me and wondered how I was doing.  I wrote him back about the science education work.  I still haven't heard back from him but I hope he can use my materials.

I read another article about mesothelioma and it gave me a much worse prognosis.  I have no idea how much time I have left and I don't know how to use it well.  It's a strange place to begin.  There is a comfort of thinking that the toil and travails of this life will not exist much longer.  But then I miss those that I love.  Whatever is, it is totally in your hands, Lord.  Please give me the grace, the strength, and the fortitude to do what you want me to do.  And of course the knowledge and wisdom to know what that really is.  I pray that I will be with you completely before too long dear lord.  I fear the transition in purgatory – is Danny right?  Can I possibly avoid it?  I fear the loneliness and pain of being purged of my sins that I cannot become free from in this earth.  Help me to know how to move past them.  I know that gossiping and fear are chains that hold me back now.  Help me to see the right light and move past those in this life.  Allow me to know how I can offer prayers for my family and for the world.  I think I reached a turning point last night in understanding how powerless I really am even against my very own human and frail emotions and the "reality" within which I live.  I need your grace dear Jesus.  On my own I constantly fall on my face.

Please help me, Darren, my family.  And of course help the world.  Help those who have no one and no one praying for them and no one wishing them into heaven.   Part of my ministry be to help those.  And I don't want to forget the souls in purgatory.  Aside from a catholic church I don't think anyone is remembering them.  Help them so that they may move onto their internal Glory with you Lord.  Now on to my work.

I have been reading more about other people with cancers.  I seem to have gotten into a situation where people know about my health concerns and have been sending the reading materials.  It is helpful in some ways; it allows me to identify my psychological journey with those of others.  I am challenge to figure out what to do with my life at this point – if it weren't for the sabbatical I would be worried a lot more about work and what I should do there.  Thank you Jesus, but I do have several more months before I really have to worry about the financial aspects.  Also, these articles and resources have made me very thankful too that I am not anxious about the medical coverage itself.  I am most blessed to be in a place where I am getting the best of care (at memorial Sloan Kettering) and where I do not have to worry about Financial Resources.  I also have the good fortune that Darren is retired at this point and is willing to take on my care very directly.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the support that I've gotten.

It does make me realize that there is some obligation to reach out to those who don't have these supports.  One of the articles was a very much into the Healthcare System and where it doesn't support people who are now uncertain as to how they will take care of their own financial situations.  You have protected me from at Lord Jesus.  I owe you and the world something in return for the blessings you have given me there.  What I haven't seen is the literature on faith-based responses to illnesses such as mine.  It may be that I am just not looking for it.  I do not want to spend what is left of my time just reading about sickness and dying.  Unless of course it is from those of the saints – such as Saint Teresa or Saint Faustina.  I will precede with what is the focus I think I am supposed to take it this point – that of my spiritual journey.

I will say that from the readings I have done in the secular world about cancer surviving the missing piece really does seem to be any sense of God or faith.  What a frightening journey this would be if I didn't have that.  I cannot say that I feel particularly ill yet.  Thus I know I am speaking from a privilege point of having an awareness of my death but not get the feeling the pain that will precede the actual end.  Thus I can speak rather glibly.  But I do know that even now when I feel frightened, I can think about how you Jesus, will share your yoke with me.  As the memorial of your passion and death approach, for my own salvation

You have given me this particular cross for my own salvation and hopefully for the salvation of others, in particular my family. 

I also did get on the e-mail from father Erasto in Tanzania, and it gives me hope to go on with the science education development.  Is that which you want me to do, Jesus?  Every time I start to do something in the short-course approach to science education, it shows one more piece that I need to do to make this work together as a teaching approach.  Again, I do not know if it is my will or your will dear Jesus.  I hope to see Dan sometime this week.  He always challenges me to think deeply about what I am doing with what is left of my time.  I hope with what is left of my time, to live in the quiet cocoon and that I seem to be in right now, to be able to read about you through the lives of the saints and the working of the church, and to be able to move forward some of my education pieces.  They don’t seem like much of a contribution, but it’s all I’ve really have to give you Jesus.

One other interesting aside, dear lord.  I know that Darren has great talents in the ability to write, act, and manage.  I wish he would work on a catholic media company.  I don’t know how to make that happen.  But it does seem that if he starts journaling about his own growth and the growth of our family during this time of health crisis, that might be the story that he needs to bring forward into a very good entertainment/teaching media.  Lord, direct me as to how to keep on sowing the seeds if this is what you want Darren to do too.  He can be very obstinate (just as I am very good at the obstinate to), but I think you have given him great talents in this area and it would be a good use of his time and talent.

Dear lord I need to go on with a journey that I have in the education world right now.  Please direct my path and let me know what can help you further the bringing of your light into the world.  I give you my science and my science education background.  Use them if it is something that you want for others as the journey to you to Jesus.

More disturbing dreams - are they from you Jesus or my "psyche."  I was glad to hear from my old lab friend, but it was sad to learn about the cancer of your twenty-something son.   I see how you have spared me from so much. 

How do I help my family?   Seeing them close up is highlighting some of the problem areas, as the dust is settling on my illness?  I know that much of the problem with the older kids comes from all my sins of omission - I was not there for them as I should have been in their youth.   How can I fix this now, Dear Lord?   Sometimes the thought of being dead gives me the consolation of being able to pray for them in a purer way, free from the defensiveness that I have today.   I fear I am becoming so enmeshed in life now that I am losing the time for prayer.  Please help me to understand where I need to be with my life, Dear Lord.

The dream became terrifying, in a very strange way.  I was experiencing a type of docudrama where I am to see how to open terrain became populated over time.  The documentary-like way the narrator was explaining the original prairie and the roads that were intersecting and then hinting towards what had happened over time when it became more of a major thoroughfare.  But it was a big "tease" which was in really telling you what was happening.  I became so distressed that I woke up very disturbed and sweating.  Suddenly, I realized it was about my life.  Grappling with a real fear and  uncertainty about the direction my life will take, and the fact that I will have no control over it, is putting me in a suffocatingly awful situation.  All I could say was: "Jesus I Trust in you. " I got up to have breakfast and; there was no use trying to go back to sleep.  Fortunately, the readings from the Breviary reinforced the fact of trusting in God even during the uncertainties of life.

I have been reading St. Theresa of Liseux, her autobiography.  She was ruminating about being sent to a mission in Hanoi, but she also indicated that she knew she was dying.  She felt that she was especially called by God to be His, because she no longer had control over her life.  Help me to see my life that way Jesus.  Right now, I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable but mostly quite well.  I am coming out of the fog of the surgeries.  I have started working on some of the MOOC courses for Holy Apostles.  Do you want me to continue developing these courses – moving into the science education area?  Arguably, that is part of the sabbatical under which I am currently being paid.  Is it the "worthy" work that you want me to do at this point to Jesus? 

Please help me to grow in my trust of you Jesus.  I'm sitting in a situation where in some ways I am being treated as a princess, but that is simply because my situation is truly so untenable as a human.  In general we seem to have to think that we know where we're going and that we can predict and plan for our future.  I'm not sure what I can predict and plan for.  I did ask Tasha to look into what will be some of the things that will happen to me at the end.  I know that I can take medications to relieve some of the pain – the Brochure from the Sloan even said it could relieve all of the pain.  But I know that is not truly possible.  How much should I look into my own future?

My dreams seem to make me realize that I have to confront a very challenging reality.  But I can't seem to handle that.  I would ask that you guide me like St. Teresa, Dear Lord.   Guide me step by step because I'm not even know what to hope for right now.  Lead me along the path with you, Lord. I know if I take the yoke with you, I will be going in the right direction.  Do I go with what I know, developing teaching materials?  Or, do you want me to move in a different direction?  Please let me know as a struggle along beside you.  And my stumbling on pebbles or are there boulders that I should be avoiding?

Help my say today and forever, Jesus I trust in you, Jesus I trust in you, Jesus I trust in you.   Amen.

Dear Lord Jesus.  My energy seems to be returning and the soreness is quieting down.  Am I really in a reprieve?  How long will it last?  And then the really big question for me on a day-to-day level – what do I do with mike time now?  I just finished working on the MOOC for holy apostles.  It is actually energizing me to feel part of the world again and hopefully making a contribution.  Dear Lord Jesus, what is your well for me now?  I have been doing that work with Tanzania and Africa.  It was only at the foundation level.  I feel drawn to working again on the science education projects.  But is that your will dear lord or is it my will?

To the extent that I return back to work and September, this science education work is very consistent with the work of my sabbatical.  It does seem the least "logical" that I do this work.  I can align it with another MOOC for holy apostles and I can align it with my work for the school, should I return.  Maybe I'll have to work on the assumption that that is what you want me to do, Lord th th; at least until you show me otherwise.  Please let me know what you want me to do! ! !

Tasha just left to return to California - it will be too quiet and lonely, but I need to return to my life and figure where it is going.   We are looking into feeding-tube issues with Darren's father too.

Strange to be looking at your own end in a clinical way - clearly I am on the mend now, even if just temporarily.   I am starting to feel better and I am typing now instead of using speech dictation.  How long will any of this last? 

Living in the day to day is somewhat easier for me now - now that I have a sabbatical and do not need to be in the daily grid of emails and students issues.  Where do you want me to go Lord?   I know I need to work up my health now - more walks, more exercises, but what about my academic work?   As life returns to less company and more normalcy, please speak loudly to me Lord Jesus.   I am very good at hearing only "my will."  Please let me know your will. 

Jesus, I am almost confused by good news -- from my doctor's visit yesterday, it seems like the experimental treatment may be "taking."   It isn't a cure, but it might extend my time before having to face surgery and chemo therapy.   THANK YOU, LORD.   Still the unknowns of time and process (how will I die?  how fast will I die?) but that is always an unknown for most of us anyway.

How do I place my energies and my time.   I am still healing from the last surgery/ biopsy but I am getting stronger.   Tasha is still visiting and the family fun will be going on for another week.  Teach me how to enjoy the day and live in the moment.   I am not sure what to do about the science education work now, but it seems that I can type better too then I could a while ago.    Guide me during their reprieve in my walk towards that grave - but I know that it is now I little longer before I see you face to face.   Teach me what you want me to do; teacher me how to be in Your Will.

My most recent world has become very secular and family.  I am enjoying having the time to reconnect with my children and grandchildren, however it is taking time from my journey to you.  I am also working on the course for Holy Apostles college and Seminary.  It almost makes me feel as though I am back into my old life without the burdens of constant emails and administrative issues.  With the help of Niko's driving, I have been able to get to mask almost every day.  Thank you lord for these blessing.

I want to try to finish this course for holy apostles so that it can run independently – it will be a MOOC.   I am finding the ambition and the drive to get a course together, just as I was doing before I was given the diagnosis of the mesothelioma.  But now I have conflicts about this.  What world should I immerse myself in at this point dear lord?  Soon I will be finished with this course.  Soon Tasha will go back to California.  And hopefully soon Niko will have a job.  My life will become much more quiet and more uncertain.  Where should I be placing my heart and my loyalties at this point to Jesus?

I suppose having some time to be little bit more "normal" and returning to my old life isn't that bad.  Please infuse your will into my efforts Jesus.  I know that these reprise are temporary.  Before too long they have to think about whether I need to go through with surgery or chemotherapy.  Help me use this time well do more.

I have been away for some time, dear Lord.  I have been working on a course for Holy Apostles College & Seminary.  It feels good to be part of the living, I must admit.  My strength is coming back more after the surgery now.  I still wonder whether this is all about my will or is it about God's will.  The course should be and developing is to allow some of work that I have done over 20 years to move more into the catholic domain.  I know I will not be around to be any sort of long-term or even short term teacher.  However, I hope to gain some insights and some friends who can help me promote the work that I see as needed in the field of technology for communicating about your saving plan, Lord.

I feel particularly compelled to pray for those that are at the an hour of their deaths.  I see how infirmity has help me back from all of my world the ambitions.  I hope to align what is left of my time and my ambitions with what you want if we if you are defined will tear Jesus.  Help me to grow and note the direction in which you want me to move.  Thank you for another day.

Jesus, I am beginning to see you in my walk-around prayers.  As I have sleepless times and wake up and put my rosary beads in hands, I find I can begin to see the rosary or the divine mercy chaplet with a few more of those flashes of insights into your larger purpose.  The family matters have been strained with issues around Paul's upcoming death too.  I have not behaved as well as I should.  Too easily I crawled back into the human whining and jealousies and fears that I've always had.  You would think I have a better perspective looking at eternity with clearer lights right now.  But the human flaws keep surfacing.

Thank you for having Niko bring me to church.  I hope it is helping his soul, it certainly is helping mine.  I try spend too much time in church wondering if it is connecting with him.  However, it is nice to sit next to him and know that he has the patience and caring to bring me to church.

As I begin to see all the pain and suffering that you went through at Calvary, now that I can identify more with frustration and pain and the discomfort, I can see that you came into all those "cranky" portions of our world.  All the things that aren't working the way we expected them to work.  Even all those things that aren't working according to what we believe to be your plan.  Help me to reorient my life.  I am moving more back into some of my science education work.  I believe that's what you want it to do now – let me know if I should change my course.  Honestly, it can be a good distraction to have something to think about beyond my family issues, my health, and even my prayer life.  I hope that you understand that I wanted the moving forward with what mission you have given me on earth as part of my ministry.  I do feel the call to pray for those who are at the an hour of their death, and I bring this into any of my spiritual prior wanderings.  Thank you for the day and for my reasonably comfortable state.

Jesus, teach me to carry the Cross with you on this earth, as I journey into pain and into reconciliation (my family). Thank goodness Dan had forewarned me about the temptations that might come from the devil and his minions.  Come they did, and my response was only [partially worthy.  I was able to see the attack (my old venial sins) and bit my tongue, but the fear and past hurts haunted me and took my peace.  A phone call with Dan helped me see the way -- I deal with these sins of mine now or in Purgatory.  Know, I can co-share the cross with Jesus.  I know that He tailored this cross for me from all eternity and that is just what I need for me and for others.  Please Jesus give me the Grace to work with you as you struggled to Calvary and not simply let me be a whiner along the way.  Purge me of my sins now so  that I can have the peace you intended and so I can help others.

I continue to have my family and loved ones at the core of my prayers.  But I also feel a need to pray for those who are dying.  In my poor sleep, I am trying to keep the rosary bead around my hand.  I don't always move the beads but it serves as somewhat of a focus. 

Let me grow today in your Divine Will for me.  I don't know whether you want me to do any education writing. 

I am finding a new prayer routine, nestled within the different discomforts and pains.  And I am weaning myself off some of the narcotic pain medication; they seem to have been messing with my mind too much.  As the lethargy starts to move fades, I was able to do my midnight wandering with a rosary in hand and although I can say I didn’t do a terribly well focused rosary, it is beginning to come more within the realm of a prayer life.  Thank you holy mother church for providing us with these tools of redemption.  I can see that my use on this planet will not be in teaching or in material contributions.  Although, to the extent I can I do intend to continue to pull together my education materials.  But as I went through the dull and wasteland time period of early morning, I was asking that my prayers be dedicated to those who would be dying at that point.  My prayers seem so mediocre compared to the needs but I do offer them to you Jesus in hopes that you can use them to the betterment of my family and the world.  I still remember when Aunt Pat commented that we often see prayer as a last resort, when it should be the first resort.  That is what I can offer now, and I am not doing a particularly good job at it.

Help me to see how I can contribute to the growth of your kingdom even as I simply wander a lonely house in the early morning. 

The devil kept prodding yesterday.  Fortunately, Dan had warned me that the devil would try to get in through small, nasty things but that might not challenge my immortal soul that it would certainly rob me of my peace and keep me from getting the larger “crown in heaven.”   At first I didn’t see it.  It seemed like these were logical things that I needed to address in my usual way – sarcasm.  In a typical Eileen manner I planned my attack.  I thought about why I was so angry that Darren was now spending so much time with his family and I was feeling left out.  My old jealousies and rivalries surfaced.  The only thing I really did right during this phase was to not mouth my thinking into words.  My children also moved into pettiness and jealousy and fomenting dissension.  Apologies came later, but I felt fairly beat up during the process.  I can see the different “agendas” that different members of the family have.  However I was disappointed that jealousies still surfaced, but forgiveness was asked and gladly given.   I can see the healing power of the Lord.

I most definitely not past these worries and fears and sins.  But I can see them for what they are.  I also need to find ways to move past the pain drugs and I’m taking; I think they are clouding my mind.  Niko also  gave me a good idea of writing a journal for Darren that he can read when I am no longer on this earth.  This gives me a good focal point for my thinking; I will miss his dearly, if you miss people when you are in heaven.   I know it will be hard for him when I first leave his life – but he is growing in faith daily.   Jesus, walk closely with him please.

I learned a lesson about silence.  I’m beginning to think better now that I am further from the surgery.  The lethargy that I went into was frightening.  Help me go through confronting my own fears, jealousies, sins, and venial affects.  I hope to find ways to manage my energy level and to return to some of the science material development that I am a trying.

Finally, Jesus, I am beginning to see a way.  One that can at least work in the short run.  I have been reading Danny’s book on “The Gift of Living in the Divine Will” and I have been struggling as to what you want me to do with what is left of my time.  I have had some moderate discomfort since the visit to the hospital, and I was rolling around in bed unable to sleep.  I finally gave up trying to sleep and listened to EWTN through the computer this early morning – just before 3:00 AM.  It was a bishop from African speaking of the needs of South Sudan.  He wanted help and healthcare.  Of course, he wanted prayer and support as well.  It seems clear, at least for the moment, that I needed to return to the science education work.  I have begun assembling more of those materials and I don’t know how long I’ll have the strength or the divine interest in this effort.  But I hope to make worthy use of it for the time being anyway.  Thank you, Dear Lord for giving me some direction at least it this point.  I do not need to be lying in bed thinking about my various ills.  I need to be thinking about ways and I can contribute.   

Feeling more "normal"  - the new normal, that is.  I can't find a way to get the speech recognition working well so I am back to typing, but then I get the back aches.  I'll try typing.


God, I am waiting.   I am not sure where to go with my life now.  I am blessed with support and with lack of financial stress, but what do I pursue?   Do I try to get back to the science / computer work? Do I pray and blog and wait?  Do I learn how to find more good materials on the computer about you and your work on earth?   I have been able to get back to weekday mass with Niko driving me. I will keep trying with the basics that I can do and sue.   I was thinking about my virtual courses - mainly on pass thing them along to others.   I would like to see them taught; you know there are few that can do that now.   Please give me the strength and the direction if that is what you want now, Lord.   Also I have the materials in the basement to send to Africa; again with strength and support, I could get to that too. 


Strange being so limited by my physical reality.   I am truly being humbled, Jesus.

Having been home from a hospital for a few days, I would like to report how things are going.  I wish I could report ardent praying, however, I seem to have moved into a period of spiritual malaise.   While under the brightness of the hospital or in the darkness of my bedroom at home, I just sort of way on my back and did nothing.  I thought about praying, but it seemed to be too much effort to get the words together.  There seem to be a hospital brightness space where I was zoned into and it didn’t seem as though that of the sick of the dying should be.  I envisioned a darker space, maybe warm space.  Instead I felt exposed and so on a perpetual hospital bed but with no motivation and no interest.  The strange thing was that motivation and interest have always driven me very much in my work. 

The family came over last night, and it was the party in advance of Tanya’s birthday (Which is today).  It was nice to see Tanya and her family, but I couldn’t stay with everyone for too long.  It worked well because everyone was able to have a good time in the room together, Niko providing a lot of entertainment through old videos, and I was able to retreat into the quiet dark space on my own.  Danny came by later and I was able to talk about this malaise.  He talked to me about the need to pray and today I seem to be able to muster up energy for prayer.  Niko brought me to church and we can wait late because first we went to Saint Mary’s church which was closed.  But after the mass at Saint Clemens (of which I’d missed the first part) they have the Novena to Our Lady of Perpetual Help.  I am spending a lot of time trying to convince him of Catholicism.  Sometimes it is tiring.  But I am glad that he’s able to, and listen to the mass; he goes to communion too.  I hope that is right dear Jesus.  Thank you for giving me the gift of prayer again, dear lord.  I know that making connections with you and your “divine will” is what I need to do with what is left of my life.  I am seeing the blessings of a wonderful family.  I’m also seeing the blessings of Health Care Profession —really focusing now on what the “care” means in a whole group of people committed to helping each other through science but around a focus of caring.  Knowing that I am among the most physically privileged people in the world, that has existed, I wonder how so many provide for themselves during the hour of their death.  Please help me to continue to grow, does a strained they should be asking for or is it for acceptance and death?  What me understand what you will mean in my life. please.

 

Sitting here in the hospital, I now have some time to get back on the computer.  It’s been a busy time with testing in preparation and treatments.  I haven’t been able to get to church for communion since Sunday, and now this Wednesday.  I am going to ask if anybody can bring the communion.  I miss that.  Now that I have my computer setup, maybe I can get to the EWTN as well.  He

Generally I have been able to stay fairly close to Jesus through my prayer life and through my business to church on a daily basis.  However, with all the turmoil and visits to me in the hospital, I cannot keep the same perspectives.  Jesus, I’ve been able to live a somewhat hermit-like life over the past few years.  I have enjoyed that luxury.  Please teach me how to see you in the bustle of good people that are helping me with my healthcare and in a wonderful family that has been very solicitous.  There is still the sense of shock and did not help – could I really be dying?  With so many people praying for miracles, and Nikko has been very good about getting the word out to many people, it seems like I might be getting better.  Even though I had this trial with the virus, I do not feel particularly sicky yet; I am not getting the flu-like symptoms that they said might happen.  I don’t know if that is good or bad from a recovery perspective.  I am continuing to read the book by Fulton sheen, “Life of Christ “ and it is helping me a lot to understand Jesus and his times much better.  Keane shows how Jesus was the fulfillment of old prophecies, but he constantly points to his pre figuring of the crucifixion in all of this works and interactions.  Jesus, He seemed to be so port crane and they know I have opportunities now to offer solace to others through the prayers increases that it might be able to acquire.  However, I still feel very much In control of my life – although the goals that I have are shifting tremendously.  I am thinking much less of returning to work at college, but I am not thinking of having less ability to communicate and interact.  Please guide me to what you want me to do with my time and talents given what ever time I have left. 

Jesus, today I go to meet the medical profession - heading for a week in NYC and Sloan.   I had a great weekend with family (Tanya, Bryan & Susan, Darren) and talked to others (Niko and Tasha).  It is good to feel so cared for and even spoiled. 

I awoke during the night and lay there, thinking about my life being fore-shortened.  Thinking about how I got mesothelioma is getting me pondering too much about money and about "fairness."  It seems I may have been cheated out of years of my life - and, I hate having to lose Darren for 20 years.  And, I fear what lies ahead. 

I know you will be with me Lord, but I have seen how poorly I react to pain, and those have been small pains compared to where I am going.  I can be calm when I am feeling good.  What will I o when I am really suffering?

Father Erasto would like the education materials.   I still wonder if it is my will or God's will but I am now asking the Blessed Mother for more help on discernment so I hope to do what you want.   Not knowing how much time I have left certainly makes it hard to figure on what to do.  But I am still in the privileged space of finance and healthcare so guide me Lord and Mother.   

Thank you Lord Jesus for your Church.  This "bride of Christ" is saving my life now and will hopefully save the lives of many others in the future – more importantly than their lives, save their souls.  Yesterday might visit to Father Torres was most peaceful and fruitful.  In addition to having a general confession, I was able to receive the Sacrament of the Sick.  God only knows whether this will heal more than my soul, but it is only the soul that it is really important.  I'm so grateful for the Faith that my parents instilled in me and that the Church has preserved it for thousands of years.  At times my emotions are high or low, but my trust in Jesus is there.  Right now I'm still feeling reasonably healthy.  Jesus please be with me as health wanes and fear begins to abound.  However, I am still so grateful for the loving family and friends that are surrounding me now, and the wonderful Health Care environment that we have in the United States.  Seeing that I am among the truly privileged, just makes me more grateful for the life I have had and the relative peace with which I can be considering my own death.

Jesus, today I meet you through Father Torres in Whitehall.  Help me to make the general confession that I need to and please help me make it a holy and honest one.  I can see all the conflicts of humans and the many levels on which we operate.  Wanting to get the respect and good will of Father.  And at the same time knowing I need to be totally honest about things I wish I had never done.  Help me to make a sacramental confession And get ready for next week’s operations.  I want to also get the Sacrament of the Sick since I will be going under general anesthesia next week as well. 

I also need advice on where to put my time.  I do want to continue with the science and technology work, but is that what you want Jesus?  And maybe Father can give me some perspective on this since he comes from the world of academia himself. 

I was able to see Dan and Regina and Joseph yesterday.  It is a joy to see this happy little boy and to watch him grow.  Will you let me see him from the other side Jesus?  I know you let me pray for my family from the other side.  But will you let me see them grow?  I remember when Jimmy died, walking around the house in Glenmont and inviting him to look at what was going on in the house.  I had no idea whether I was acting insanely or whether that was something to me could really see.  I still don’t know – and I don’t think anyone can tell me even in the Church – how the dead see as on the living side of the grave.  I can imagine that you would have them stop caring about people that they’ve loved.  But how much do they know and remember when they are on the other side.  Danny reminds me that I don’t have to think that I will go to purgatory if I get things right to bring these last days.  But I’m not sure how you do that Jesus.  Darren said something about my being a holy woman and not worrying about the next life at this point.  It made since sense when he said it, but now I am not sure what that meant.  I’m very conflicted about whether to be working on things in this world or just praying and meditating.  I hope that Father Torres can give me some perspective on this. 

Father Erasto will be coming over in the midday and I want to get a perspective from him as to whether any of work that I’m doing could be of use to his mission in Africa.  I ask you Jesus to guide me on your path at this point, particularly as to what you want to do with what is left of my time.  There’s always the hope of the possibility that the work at Sloan Kettering may lead to a cure.  But the odds are very remote.  And honestly there is a part of me that does not want to be cured.  I don’t know what else I can do in this world to help my family or myself or others.  But I do know that when you are on the other side, Jesus, I will be able to pray for others and maybe work with you on the your Salvation of the world.  I feel I failed quite a lot with my family and with my teaching.  Maybe you will show me better ways to do what I tried to do in this earth could I look forward to seeing you sacramentally Jesus in several hours. 

As I reviewed this speech dictation, I realize that it’s still all about me what I can do in this world.  It is not about meeting you Jesus.  I don’t know how to do that.  How and what prepared to see goodness, love, the creator of the universe.  All I can think about is me and what I want to do in this world.  Jesus, I see it don’t know how to envision your goodness.  Teach me, please.  I’m always thinking about how the world will perceive me. 

Good morning, Jesus.  Thank you for starting this day with me without the pain in my back.  I am learning how pain cripples you and takes away your ability to move beyond yourself.  I could see all of my thoughts and hopes for the end of my life were fading into a miasma of inability and suffering.  And I knew that the pain was only at the beginning.  However, today I am feeling less pain in my pack and am hopeful that I can have a productive day.  I guess it is up to you, Jesus, what you consider to be productive.   I have from long had my plans, and I don’t know what has really come of them.  Yesterday, I talk to Meg at work and it was very uplifting to hear that some of my ideas and finally moving forward.  It made me wish and hope that I could be around in the fall and be productive and see some of the virtual reality work move towards the nursing program.  But I don’t know if that’s what you have in the cards for me, dear Lord.  It seems I will have to continue on my master document that can serve as a legacy that can pull together the different courses I’ve created to date.    

I will be seeing Father Torres on Friday in having a general confession.  I also hope to bring him in as a spiritual director and adviser.  He has had experience in higher education in the understand some of the work that I am doing at least on a conceptual level.  I don’t know when I am being in your Good graces Lord or am I am being self-centered and egotistical.  I’m hoping that Father Torres can give me some direction about this. 

I’m continuing to read the “Life of Christ” by Fulton Sheen and it is giving me many more insights into the way you walk this earth dear lord.  And this may sound a little silly and trivial, but after having the back pains yesterday and for several days before, I am more concerned about keeping my body moving and limber and I’m wondering, dear lord, if you can help me think of exercises in movements that can also be prayers.  If I have to be doing these stretches and movements of my body, can they be a way to get grace for myself and for others in the world?  Tasha is a very good one at giving me information that she learns from other people who have published about their own suffering.  Part of me wants to be one of those high accomplishment people that offer solutions for others to learn from.  However, I know that is my ego speaking and that I really need to understand what you want me to be able to do with what’s left of my time on earth.

I got a very nice bathrobe from Glynnis and I sent her a thank you note.  In that I did reference death and the Hail Mary’s that I’ve offered over the many years.  I want to enable them to be able to talk about death and to think about where they’re going in their own future.  However, again, I wonder if it is my ego speaking and not you Dear Jesus.  Please guide me through these times.  Help me to use them well for my own salvation and for those of others.  I’m so enmeshed in this world that I cannot see and understand where you really want me to go.  But give me your grace so that I can find a good use of whatever time is left for me.  I know that many are praying for miracles and healings for me.  Sometimes I want that, and other times I just want to move on and leave whatever legacy I have at this point in my life.  I think I am concerned about becoming like my mother or Darren’s parents have lived so long that they’ve become a burden to others.  There is a part of me that wants to leave this life at least fully cognizant.  But again I know that is my ego speaking, dear Jesus, so please give me the grace that I will do what you want with whatever time I have on this earth be it one year or 40. 

Ash Wednesday.  I will certainly understand (sort of) the reminder of our end symbolized by our ashes.   It is great now to be able to talk about death and the next life; it is most comforting.  Jesus, I don't know what it will be like to see you on the other side soon, but I am glad I can talk about it now.  More so with Tasha, and to some degree to Darren.   And, Danny too.   Maybe I can start talking about it to Niko and Tanya too.   I have a wonderful family that is closing in on me in a most comforting way; they are really making me feel less of a burden.   So far I am up and ambulatory, for the most part.   But I am not doing all that I use to do; I am actually enjoying being able to confine myself.  Yesterday, I couldn't get to church because of bad pains, but today seems better.   A good day to be reminded. 

Lord, I know you are giving me what I need.  Make it not be all about me, but about ways I can help my family and the world.

I was at Sloan yesterday and this morning I woke to sharp pains in my back.   Dear Jesus, I know this is of your will but I responded so badly with self pity, agony, and fear.   All of my planning was lost -- I realize that I keep thinking of myself as well, when I plan ahead.   The doctor said I should be OK to return to work in the fall, but there are still many unknowns about treatments and the ultimate prognosis.   I could feel sorrow for all the times I was not empathetic to others in pain; somehow I haven't understood or appreciated pain -- it really hasn't been my experience.

I know a lot more pain lies ahead, and I could see that I whined and cried.  I know Jesus that you are tailoring my Cross to me.  You are teaching me what I need so that I can be with you more fully in the next life.   I could see my plans melting to the ground.   I could see how I want to do right by all my children and my family, but there is conflict in that too.   Guide me along the path.   I could see that be full bodied and mentally able may not be in the future for me - or not for as long as I would like.   Jesus, please give me the directions that I need.

And, thank you for all the kind and wonderful people in my life and my family.   I feel very connected and very fortunate.   (And, thank the HealthCare professions too.)

The pain continues; it seems to be related to the draining of the pleural cavity.   I have been in touch with Sloan about what to do for the pain, but I think I just have to live with it until I see the doctor next week.

I can see how the pain brings you in on yourself.  I try to remember Jesus and see him as I walk through my often tawdry life and surroundings.   There is no nobility and romance in the basic environment in which I live.   The house is wonderful and serviceable but it is like Darren and I, mundane and practical.  It doesn't fit the image of someone dying nobly.   But it is what Jesus wants.   I don't know if I am dying or if I will get a reprieve.   Tasha sent me the Novena to the Holy Spirit.   I will be praying that too for the next nine days.   Holy Spirit, guide me to use my time well, whatever amount I have.  There are many more worthy and sympathetic cases out there besides mine.   I might only "die a little young for today" but not young.  I just really want to know what way to spend my time.

As I paced the house last night -- I couldn't get comfortable with the pain in my back -- I could feel again the need to create the master book on teaching, learning, science education, technology and the like; a book that would reference my own work and would reference the research too but without all the time to look up the citations and authentications.  I will see today if God wants that.   I would use speech dictation too, I think.   It seems to be a way to pull together and pass on my work - but is that me or God asking for this?   Could you let me know today Jesus and the Holy Spirit?

I am fearing the inability to drive.  I want to get to daily Mass.   Maybe I can get Darren to bring me communion?  I seem to just want to stay in my little space and lick-my-wounds.   But truly I fear being in pain and in spasms in public.  Maybe when the pain meds get worked out I can venture more broadly again.

Jesus, please direct my work through how you want me to go during my time left on this planet.

A tremendous sadness at leaving this world.  Not seeing the people I love, not seeing them growing and change, not seeing the grandchildren come to maturity – realizing that Danny’s children will never even know me.   Knowing that I can’t be a part of their lives.  Just sent an emptiness of not being part of the picture. 

And at the same time, I don’t know whether I might make it through this.  A trial at Sloan is to the purpose of extending my life.  Randy was talking also about having surgery and chemo to keep my life going for longer.  Pains I have are not that great yet, they’re more like spasms in my chest and some occasional shooting pains in my shoulder and lower back.  What will I do with pain far greater?  And the questions of being in public?  What if I have a lot of pain on in public and how do I handle that?  A lot of it is the result of m pride.  I don’t want people to see me as weakened or as a burden.  I want them to remember me more like the pictures I see in the albums.  Mary came last night and it was good to sit down with all family pictures.  Thank goodness we have the albums with the many good times with the kids when they were little.  I wish I were one of those fun type of mothers.  But I did facilitate a lot of good events and reunions and activities.    Mary’s children had so much more joy in their life; she was such a good mother and was able to be home with them and enjoy them.  You can see it in the way they still behave today.  My sisters with their big families have so much to show to the world.  They do not have fancy clothes; they did not have trips to Europe; they do not have nice furniture.  But they have love and life and happiness around them.  You don’t have to look far to see that truth of the way of the Lord incorporated into their lives .  .  .  and the results are beautiful. 

As they sit here of all of the emotions, bafflement, and sporadic pains; I try to see you Jesus.  I know you are there with us all last night as we looked at pictures; I could feel that there was such goodness in the space that we were in and I felt such safety and security.  I haven’t been able to do my sequestered readings like I sometimes do.  I need to engage more in that.  I did make an appointment with Father Torres to go for a general confession next week.  And tomorrow I go down to Sloan to get a checkup.  I want to get into my life important things that need to be done or I might have to travel independently.  Strange, they have no idea how much more time I have.  Despite having some rather sharp but very infrequent pains, I don’t feel too badly.  But being almost on sabbatical, there’s a sense of relaxation, because they don’t have all the nagging little things that come up during the workweek.  Let me use this time for you Jesus.  Somehow it still seems too mundane.  Being pain free at this point for me makes it hard for me to understand that I really don’t have much time it from me.  It’s like we mostly live every day because they don’t have an end in mind.  Funny, none of us ever really do have that perspective but we forget that we really could be stopped at any point.  I don’t think people could live if they were  constantly aware of the fact that their life could on that date. 

It’s a Sunday, and I look forward to going to your church dear Lord, but I hope not to have some crazy pain.  Getting past the point of pride how we get through the day in a way that is worthy of being a child of god.  I’m also going to be bringing Father Erasto to meet with the other ladies from Africa.  Please bless that meeting and provide connections that could help us establish the communications with Africa to help ease some of the burdens in that continent that suffers so much.  I’m sitting here as such a privileged woman approaching her seventies with all types of medications and attention and support.  I think of the people in so many parts of the world that get up with pain and suffering every day of their lives.  I don’t know how they survived I have any kind of emotional or mental stability.  This world is a great joy – I realize now that I’ve always had so many opportunities that I squandered with worry and busy-ness.  As I start losing these opportunities, Lord, let me see your light in them and let me know that you’re only giving me things to challenge me so that I can have an even greater crown in the next life.  Help me to be there for my family and for children all around the world in need of a mother.  Blessed Mother please shine in my life and help me use these days well for the betterment of my family and the world.